Corn(y) Dog(s)

So again, here I am -- a few weeks behind on my own blog, because I'm giving up all the new shit (which you can check out every Thursday at sidedish.dmagazine.com) to another blog. Whatever, get used to it...

The State Fair of Texas is coming up in 6 weeks. As such I've had Fletcher's Corny Dogs (whose web presence is astounding) on the mind of late. Other things too (ex: the other day I thought about Superman II, and then funny names for race horses for awhile), but mostly I've entertained thoughts of those batter dipped, deep fried, nitrate sweepings on a stick that appear exclusively in Dallas for 24 days a year, then, like the mythical fire bird*, burst into flames, only to be reborn from its own ashes sometime in the future (or so I assume).

I know what you're thinking: Every state has a fair, and they all sell corn dogs. This blog is stupid.

In a way, what you're thinking isn't wrong. Although in the way that has to do with reality, you're completely wrong/you're stupid, stupid.



Yes, other states have fairs or whatever. I guess. I've heard of such things. And they probably all proudly serve some misguided thing they call a "corn dog" that likely exists as a mealy, squishy, flavorless mass; at best the kind of garbage they're OK with in Delaware (What? Seriously, fuck Delaware), but that doesn't fly here.

Feltcher's Corny Dogs (jesus, I feel like I'm running an ad for Fletcher's Corny Dogs**) are sinfully fucking good. And if they weren't like 6 bucks a pop, I would buy enough every year to fashion a golden calf of Corny Dogs and then worship the shit out of it (suck on that, Charlton Heston***). They're so good, they should be represented on the periodic table and in the dewey decimal system, if only out of respect. If a FleCoDo (shut up, I'm trying something) got lodged in Ed Asner's belly button, then popped out and rolled into a pile of AIDS, I would call 5 second rule on that shit (although maybe I'll let you have that one…). etc. I won't gild the lilly.

So, after all of that… here is a recipe that is total shit compared to the afore lauded Corny Dog. Sorry. I can't beat Fletcher's, not even close (although these are much better than the ones you can buy frozen). Did you really think...? Bless your heart. I can only hope to drop an edible something that whets your appetite until you can get access to the real thing again.

And if you're from another part of the world, and can't access to the One True Corny Dog, rest assured, and know that there's always (Insert words of reassurance. note to self: fill this section in later), although you'll probably just turn to a life of grifting and get stabbed by a drifter. Circle of life. wamp wamp.


PS- Happy 100th Birthday to the late, great Julia Child. I watched this video last night and laughed my ass off (spoiler: she's 75 and wielding a blowtorch, which in itself is immeasurably badass) even though I really wanted to reach back in time and punch David Letterman.

Corn(y) Dogs
(makes eight)

Ingredients:

8 jumbo beef franks

1 cup yellow corn meal

1 cup all purpose flour, plus extra for dredging dogs

1 cup plain yogurt

2 eggs, beaten

2 tbsp honey

2 tsp salt

tsp baking powder

water, as needed

oil for frying ( I used 2 qt)

6 inch-ish skewers

Instructions:

1. In a heavy pot or dutch oven, preheat oil to about 350 degrees (med-high on my stove)
2. Combine corn meal, flour, salt and baking powder in a bowl, followed by the yogurt, beaten eggs and honey. Stir all together until you have a very thick batter, milkshake-like in consistency and mostly free of big lumps. Add some water, a tbsp at a time (I used 3), until you have a smoother, pancake batter-like consistency that thoroughly coats the back of your spoon.
3. Pour your batter mixture into a tall skinny beer glass, about 6" high (you'll add more batter into the glass as you use it up). This way you can dunk your dogs in the batter upright. Trust me, rolling them around horizontally won't coat them evenly. It'll just lead to ugly corn dogs and a lot of cursing.
4. Insert skewers into the franks, and, working in batches of two, first dredge them in flour, then dunk them into the batter, making sure to thoroughly coat them. Fry about four minutes each, until golden.****
5. Enjoy and remember that the end of September isn't too far off. Oh, and definitely hit the gym tomorrow.

*Yes, the Trans Am kind, with the decal on the hood. Obviously.
**Fletcher's - tastes good, like a corny dog should; you've come a long way, doggie.
***actually, if Chuck (yeah, I call him Chuck) Heston is reading this, I'll be damned impressed, given his current facebook status of dead.
****You can do this a day ahead if you're having a party or tailgating. Warm and crisp them up by dropping them in 350 degree oil for about a minute.