cinnamon brown sugar ice cream

Only assholes don't like ice cream. I can hear what you’re thinking now: dude, my mom doesn’t like ice cream. Well, your mom's an asshole. Now you’re all like: but she's lactose intolerant. Well, she should try being more lactose tolerant and less of an asshole. Don’t hate the player, hate the science.

This ice cream recipe is adapted from the handbook that came with my cuisinart ice cream maker. I want to thank the good folks over at cuisinart for everything they do. Cuisinart, expendible products for an on the go you. That's not their slogan, but it is catchy, no? Also, if sexbots become a thing, I’m getting the cuisinart one. It’s erotic design and durability tell you it's a Cuisinart; the Cuisinart name tells you it's a sensible purchase at any price range. I shoulda been an ad man. Please buy Cuisinart products.

And don’t pretend you wouldn’t bang a robot if everybody started doing it. You can't stop progress.

I came across this variation accidentally one day when i forgot to add in sugar and then only had brown sugar. Whoops. Brown sugar in ice cream, it turns out, is pretty pretty good. Great with bbq and anything else edible. I use a raw egg, which you’re probably not supposed to do.

Cinnamon & Brown Sugar Ice Cream
(should keep you ice creamed up for awhile. If not, go on a diet)

Requires:

.5 pint cream
pint half n half
tsp vanilla
.75 cup brown sugar
big tsp cinnamon
several shaves (1/2 tsp?) semi sweet chocolate
an egg

dump the cream & hh in the ice cream maker while its running.

in a bowl, mix the other ingredients together until they form a custardy consistency.

drizzle the custardy stuff into the ice cream machine.

freeze until you reach this consistency:

it should be thick and really sticking to the paddle

put in a container and freeze for 20 minutes before serving or store there indefinitely.

It stays good for awhile. Usually takes me a couple of months to eat that much.

Note- if you have roommates
a)    Grow up
b)    Label it something like “afterbirth” so they don’t eat it

oatmeal sucks (with grapefruit, no offense grapefruit)

Seriously, fuck oatmeal. I eat this slop because "they" say its healthy. It doesn't look good, it doesn't taste good. What the hell?
The character Kevin, from the once great show "the office" likened eating bad pizza to eating a hot circle of garbage. If that's the case, oatmeal is a hot deep circle of garbage.
Little tip: if you ever get mixed up in a kidnapping DON'T FUCKING GIVE YOUR CAPTIVES OATMEAL. Also, don't kidnap anybody or whatever. But for real, if you do kidnap someone, don't give 'em oatmeal (also, don't send a ransom letter with little letters cut out of magazines-- it's very time consuming & the modern kidnapper has too much on their plate for such things. I'm sure there's an app that creates adorable ransom letters). Your captives will not get stockholm syndrome and just come around to your way of seeing things one day if you feed them fucking oatmeal. Patty Hearst helped her captors rob a fucking bank! Think about that shit man. They probably gave her bacon whenever she wanted.
Anyway, this is a meal so shitty your parents will be very proud that you're eating it. Don't get instant oats, they are horrifying and regular rolled oats only take 3 minutes in the microwave.

So here it is....

Oatmeal (with grapefruit)
(serves one unhappy asshole)

I would've called you back, oatmeal. But you're the way you are.

Ingredients (if you really wanna go through this):

for oatmeal-

oats
water
dash salt
cinnamon to taste (1/4 tsp-ish)
chopped nuts
dude, you do not have to do this
dried fruit
splash disgusting fake milk*

for grapefruit-

half a grapefruit


take some oatmeal. put it a fuckin' bowl. remember oats absorb water, so the volume of said oats will end up much greater than what you started with. and they like to boil over, so be a sport & maybe put a plate under that bowl, OK champ?

add cinnamon & salt & dried fruit.

add enough water to cover oat and then some. about 1.5 parts water to oats.

heat on high for 3 minutes. stir. wait.

stir in some fake milk if desired (it helps).

garnish with chopped nuts and greek yogurt if desired. or maple syrup. or honey. anything that takes your mind off of what you're about to eat.

eat. try not to throw up.

for the grapefruit:

no way in hell i'm typing this out. just google "how to eat a grapefruit".

I could've scraped that shit off the back of the bowl, but I'm trying to prove a point to you.

OH AND PS-
"They" also say that oatmeal is great because it fills you up. Well, that is delightful! It's also complete bullshit. Every time i have oatmeal, I'm stabby ass fuckin' hungry in like an hour and a half. And I end up eating Taco Bueno. Which I'm totally not complaining about, but come on... healthy my ass.

enjoy.


*its actually not disgusting and it stays good for a long time, which is great if you're not a milk drinker (ie you're an adult & not a 12 year old)