Root Veggie Chips

How's your bottom looking? Have people been stopping you constantly to tell you how good you look? It's not too late to make a new year's resolution.

Relax, I'm not here to bust your balls, smelly. I'm not the health food police. I'm more like a sleazy lobbyist for saturated fat.

What I'm saying is that maybe your resolution should be to gain 10 lbs. No matter what anyone says, no one likes an attractive person. And all those haters stopping to compliment you are wasting time that you could be wasting on your terms. Lucky for you, uncle oodblo has the cure-all: Eat a shitload of chips and stay seated basically always. You're welcome.

Wonton Ravioli

Every time I go for an extended period without updating this blog I end up feeling like I owe you pricks an excuse. My dog puked on my laptop, I was lost in the space-time continuum*, etc. Fuck you for making me feel so wanted. I didn't ask for the responsibility of having the world's greatest blog half a decade after people stopped caring about blogs, I signed up for it because it was free.

The cold, hard truth is this: I have an actual job. Plus, every week I write for the food blog of a local 'legitimate' publication (whatever the hell that means). Good work if you can find it.** 

(having a hard time reading between the lines? Now you don't have to: I'm too goddamn lazy to write two blogs all the time is what I am telling you.)