waffles

how many times am I gonna use paper towels in pictures? shhhhhh, you're too pretty to worry about things like that

Waffles are a must. They're a staple for me. Like tortillas and cat videos. Baseball cards and bubble gum. Mice that dress like humans and live in clocks. Americana. 

I’m sorry to say all that weird shit to get your attention, but listen up: freeze your waffle leftovers. Don’t throw them away. Freeze them and toast them like toast. They’re great for weekday breakfast & sticking it to hungry co-workers or the homeless. You can do great things with waffles. Not great as in invent a car that looks like a spider, but great as in you can put bacon in them. You can also hide nutritious stuff in waffles by using whole grain or quinoa flour or mixing in pureed cooked sweet potato, cooked oatmeal or bananas. I’m not doing any of that shit this time because i’m lazy. But i think we can all agree it would have been amazing. Maybe the best thing all year.

note- if you don’t want to do all this, you can just follow the recipe on the side of the bisquick box. Then live with the fact that you’re letting your country down. Actually, waffle & pancake mixes, particularly the afore mention one, are practically the same shit as the from scratch variety. Just read the ingredients.

waffles

(makes 1 1/5 huge  waffles, or 1 big...whatever)

cup flour

egg, separated

1/4 tsp baking powder

pinch salt

tbsp oil

1/2 cup milk or commie fake milk

mix everything together but the egg white.

in another bowl beat air into the egg white with a fork. you do it with the bowl tilted on it's side at 45 degrees (the angle, not the chilly temperature) and braced against a table, beating in a circular motion perpendicular to the table (just look it up), until very frothy. you don't have to do this, but it makes your waffles nice and light.

fold in the frothy mixture.

cook however your waffle making machine says. For fun, you can dot your waffle iron with droplets of batter, which make for a waffley garnish (like in the top pic).

teach me your ways, waffle maker

freeze the leftovers like a good human.

know that i love you.

tacos al(most) pastor with chili sauce

I don’t even know what to think about carnitas anymore. At its best, it's a tender and porky affair with some crispy bits and a hintingness of orange. That's what it's supposed to be anyway. At its worst dry, a flavorless, mushy bit of unspeakable. Unfortunately, the latter is more often than not what gets served up everywhere from the taquerias to the ubiquitous upscale taco place. 

Dude.

It is a hunk of pork shoulder slow cooked in lard with a bit of orange peel and then hacked to pieces and crisped under a broiler, on a griddle or left whole and crisped in lard before being hacked into pieces. Porky, succulent, crispy. Is that too much to ask?

don't get excited, they're dead.

Pastor tacos, on the other hand, are the more reliable taqueria pork offering (don't get me wrong- you find good carnitas, you eat that shit). Contemporary* "true" pastor, consists of thin slices of marinaded pork shoulder stacked on a vertical rotisserie with fresh pineapple on top, shaved right off the spit. Badass right? Shame. Unfortunately I don’t see too many fucking vertical rotisseries in east dallas. Or maybe it is fortunate. Rotisseries tend to turn me into, ummm, a simple person-- drooling and watching a rotisserie all day. They’re impossible not to look at. I had a little foreman rotisserie once and, well I lost a few years there. Ages 26-30, gone. Spun. Into rotating, roasty eternity like so many delicious delicious hens. The motor in the thing finally broke one day and I just walked away**. Had no idea where i was. I had to burn all of those clothes and my belongings and car from that era. It all smelled exactly like rotisserie chicken and, frankly, I missed it. the point is: if somebody had a vertical rotisserie in my neighborhood, I would know about it.

Absent a vertical rotisserie, most pastor tacos are pork shoulder, cubed and stewed in a chili based sauce, sometimes served with pineapple, always identifiable by their fiery red color. 

So that's basically what I’ve done here. Usually I’m more of a carnitas guy at home, but you gotta mix it up. Its not the fiery red that you get from the taqueria al pastor, because I didn’t use achiote. It does for the color red (and al pastor) what turmeric does for the color yellow (and chicken satay): stain food a vibrant vibrant color. but still... damn.

tacos al(most) pastor

(serves several, I hope you have friends)

for the pastor-

2lbs pork shoulder cut in 3/4" cubes

flour for dredging

bacon grease for browning
tortillas
chopped pineapple (preferably grilled), which I didn't do. I'm working through the shame.

for the chili sauce:

3 tomatoes

a poblano stem, seeds, ribs removed

half an onion

all quartered

oil

6 dried new mexico chilis, stems, seeds and ribs removed

2 cloves garlic

oregano leaves

cumin

powdered oregano

salt

hydrate the dried chilies by covering with water, bringing to a boil, then capping and turning off heat. let sit for 30 minutes. they’ll become more red in color. 

put the chilies in a food processor with the garlic, spices (tsp-ish of each), some salt and 1/4 cup of the pepper water. puree until a smooth paste forms, thinning with more water if necessary***. at this point you could strain this sauce through a sieve and use it for enchilladas or whatever. new mexico chilies are kinda bitter, so that's why I’m incorporating some other flavors here. Sweetness and heat both work to take some of that edge off (I typically add a tiny bit of ketchup and a scoop of chili garlic sauce. you know, the kind you see at the pho place).

toss quartered veggies in oil and salt. roast under a broiler until you get some blackened edges, 20 minutes or so. 

let the veggies cool, then add them to the pepper puree. puree until smooth.

you’ll use about half this sauce stewing the pork. strain the other half through a sieve and use it on enchiladas or as a salsa or on your tacos.

now the pork-

dude, wait for it

brown the pork in batches. don’t crowd. you know the routine...

add all the pork back into the pot.

add half of the sauce. let it get about to a boil, cap it and pop it in a 400 degree oven (oh, i forgot to mention: you'll need to have your oven preheated to 400 degrees. whoops) for and hour.

when its done, the pork will be tender (NOT MUSHY don’t overcook it), but still have some texture from the browning. and it should taste like pork and chilies and roasted stuff. And you'll have done right with al pastor what few establishments seem to be able to get right with blessed carnitas.

Serve with the usual street taco garnish of cilantro, onion lime, plus fresh sliced jalapeno, crumbled cotija & more chili sauce or tha roostah.

Note- the stuff on the side in the first pic is instant rice, canned corn & roasted chickpeas tossed in a spoonful of cilantro pesto. not bad. if you want the recipe, you can mix up all the shit i just said and then say that you made it up. Congrats.

Morning after taco.... eat with the urgency you'd eat the morning after pill

*as opposed to olden fuckin' times pastor, which was usually goat or lamb shank.

**Actually, I left it in the abandoned lot across the street and somebody took it within half an hour.
***how do you know if it's "necessary" you ask? you fucking guess.

flour tortillas

wouldn't kick that outta bed. might even kick it into one...

Gotta have tortillas. They’re a staple. Especially in Texas. And Mexico I guess. Corn is the more traditional tex-mex tortilla, save for fajitas, burritos, breakfast tacos & that old dallas favorite (one of the few uniquely dallas offerings) the brisket taco. Besides, I like flour tortillas. A lot. And I broke my tortilla press trying to crush cashews with it (who knew?), so I can’t make corn at the moment anyway. If you’ve gotta buy tortillas, flour or corn, go to a tortilleria, a Fiesta super market or any other grocery store with a good bakery* in Texas. If you don’t have one of those, you’ll just have to sack up and make your own.

With flour tortillas, you want about 4 parts flour to a part water and about 2 tbsp oil, per cup of flour (do the math asshole). I’ve used lard, bacon grease, butter, olive oil, canola, corn oil... But I usually use olive oil. With some of the others, you wanna melt them first. Olive oil, in one of nature’s little miracles, comes melted. Use whatever flour you want (oat flour, oddly, is fantastic), but I would recommend cutting it with half or more all purpose or bread flour.

(makes 8. 7 if you drop one on the floor for some people, but 8 if I were to drop one.)

cup of flour

2-3tbsp oil

1/4 cup water

pinch salt

pinch baking powder (optional)

mix all together with a wooden spoon (or magic wand. but if you had one, why the fuck would you slum it here on the interwebs with all the poor people?), scraping the spoon off with your finger and adding the stragglers back into the mix.

once you have a shaggy ball, knead on a floured surface until smooth. you may need to keep adding flour, a little at a time, to prevent sticking. this takes waaay longer than other recipes will tell you**, like 5 minutes. It doesn’t have to be completely smooth. They’ll cook up the same, but they won’t (just like mine pictured didn’t) puff up completely. They’ll taste the same, but they're not as satisfying to cook, trust me.

divide into 8 pieces and roll each piece into a ball between your palms.

cover with a towel and let rest about half an hour.

preheat cast iron skillet to med high for 15-20 minutes. Get it pretty damn hot. 

press a dough ball into flat sphere and roll flat until 6" in diameter, turning 45 degrees with each roll. Repeat 6 or 7 times, depending upon your standards and if you dropped any dough balls.

lay a flat on your skillet. flip it after bubbles start forming, about 30 seconds. (If they look like they’re cooking too fast, turn down the heat and watch a third of a sitcom, or some Jeopardy***.)

flip again when bubbles begin to form on the other side, 20-30 more seconds.

give it a few seconds to puff up more. 

all told, it should take a minute, more or less.

keep warm ones wrapped in paper towels wrapped in a kitchen towel on a warmed plate on the stove. Or in a tortilla warmer. Or with your own sense of self satisfaction. I don’t care.

*Smell it. You know what a good bakery smells like.

**Unless, oddly again, you use 1/2 oat flour & 1/2 all purpose, you don’t have to knead that much & they puff up every time. And they look similar to wheat tortillas in a way that makes you go “what the fuck?”, but in a good way. They’re great with fish tacos. OK, I’ll stop kissing ass to oat flour.

***Hopefully not the teen tournament. No offense teens, but in the form of a question, what is the show sucks when it’s the teen tournament? Smart kids that don’t know about the same pop culture shit I knew about when I was a smart kid their age creep me out.

based on actual events

cooked bacon

I hate it when someone walks into my office and goes, “oh, I see somebody’s really busy…”

Look. Just because I’m looking at pictures of hoboes on google images or memorizing Michael Rapaport’s imdb (try me asshole) doesn’t mean I’m not busy. OK, maybe it does. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have anything better I should be doing, jerk.

Anyhoo, here’s me trying to look busy.

cooked bacon
ingredient:

some bacon

take out a pan.

be a man*.

fry some fucking bacon.

I shouldn't have to explain this.

yup, I used this pic twice. you're reading a blog on how to cook bacon. who's the bigger idiot?

*or at least put on some goddamn pants.

rooostah

i hear barry white songs in my head whenever you’re around me, rooster sauce.

If you don’t keep sriracha aka rooster sauce around, start. Hell, I keep some at my desk. It’s good on everything. It’s my personal hot sauce of choice for street tacos, a great addition to a soup that needs a kick, a friend when you need one & perhaps an arch nemesis when you need one*. It's crazy addictive. You start thinking "maybe I'll put some rooster sauce on that..." about everything. Things you never would consider applying hot sauce to. Like pasta & minor sunburns. If you’ve never made garlic bread with sriracha, go do it now. I’ll wait for you. I’ll be in my office**

*superheroes only on that one.
**kiddie pool filled with beer.

cinnamon brown sugar ice cream

Only assholes don't like ice cream. I can hear what you’re thinking now: dude, my mom doesn’t like ice cream. Well, your mom's an asshole. Now you’re all like: but she's lactose intolerant. Well, she should try being more lactose tolerant and less of an asshole. Don’t hate the player, hate the science.

This ice cream recipe is adapted from the handbook that came with my cuisinart ice cream maker. I want to thank the good folks over at cuisinart for everything they do. Cuisinart, expendible products for an on the go you. That's not their slogan, but it is catchy, no? Also, if sexbots become a thing, I’m getting the cuisinart one. It’s erotic design and durability tell you it's a Cuisinart; the Cuisinart name tells you it's a sensible purchase at any price range. I shoulda been an ad man. Please buy Cuisinart products.

And don’t pretend you wouldn’t bang a robot if everybody started doing it. You can't stop progress.

I came across this variation accidentally one day when i forgot to add in sugar and then only had brown sugar. Whoops. Brown sugar in ice cream, it turns out, is pretty pretty good. Great with bbq and anything else edible. I use a raw egg, which you’re probably not supposed to do.

Cinnamon & Brown Sugar Ice Cream
(should keep you ice creamed up for awhile. If not, go on a diet)

Requires:

.5 pint cream
pint half n half
tsp vanilla
.75 cup brown sugar
big tsp cinnamon
several shaves (1/2 tsp?) semi sweet chocolate
an egg

dump the cream & hh in the ice cream maker while its running.

in a bowl, mix the other ingredients together until they form a custardy consistency.

drizzle the custardy stuff into the ice cream machine.

freeze until you reach this consistency:

it should be thick and really sticking to the paddle

put in a container and freeze for 20 minutes before serving or store there indefinitely.

It stays good for awhile. Usually takes me a couple of months to eat that much.

Note- if you have roommates
a)    Grow up
b)    Label it something like “afterbirth” so they don’t eat it

leftovers

Looking for a way to keep your family or lover from starving? Try this recipe. Works great for any leftovers from your fridge or freezer.

Leftovers
(Serves...well, the number isn't important. It's the need to not die that counts.)

what you'll need:

leftovers (ex: uneaten portion of meatloaf from a previous meal)
something to heat it up with (ex: a microwave)
a "can do" attitude

decide what you want to eat.

take it out of the freezer or fridge.

heat that shit up.

eat.

fucking do something with your life.