Friday, July 6, 2012

Grilled Ham Steaks with Grits and Red Eye Gravy. Sorta.

Red Eye Gravy huh?

Coffee and gravy, together at last!

I don't know, man. That sounds like a bottom of the barrel idea...

This blog is comfortable with the bottom of the barrel*. Let's make some red eye gravy (and grits and ham).

a dog in search of weird gravy
I'm not gonna lie and be like "we would go to grandmother's house every fortnight, and the smell wafting through the kitchen..." None of that shit happened.** I have no red eye gravy nostalgia.

I don't know where this idea came from. But goddamn. Just make some. I don't want to talk about it. It was so strangely good, it's sending me into a hellish existential crisis. 

Oh... Wait. It's gone. Phew!

I'm told grits and red eye gravy is often served with ham (wherever the fuck people eat this stuff) and this is a spin on that motif. The grits fries I've been making for awhile. They're lovely***. I stole the idea from the polenta fries they used to have at everybody's favorite greenville ave bar. Goddamn, I miss those polenta fries****. And grilling vacuum-packed hormel ham "steaks"? Well, that's just classy friends.

Ham Steaks with Grits Fries and Red Eye Gravy
(made 1 serving)

Ham Steaks:

2 Ham steaks, grilled to crosshatched perfection (unless you're a pussy)

Red Eye Gravy:

3/4 cup brewed coffee
1 Tbsp bacon grease or other oil
1 Tbsp flour

1. Make a roux (thickening agent), Mix the flour into melted bacon grease over medium heat. Cook for 2 minutes, stirring the whole time.
2. Pour in the brewed coffee. Lower heat and whisk your ass off until the roux is completely incorporated. 
3. Stir occasionally, and remove from heat when the gravy has reached its desired consistency, about like a regular brown gravy.

Grits Fries:

6 Tbsp instant grits
Olive oil spray
salt and pepper

1. Cook grits according to box instructions. Add salt and pepper.
2. Pour grits into a shallow casserole lined with plastic wrap.
3. Let them cool for a couple of hours, until congealed and kinda dry on top.
4. Preheat oven to 400. 
5. With a pizza cutter or long knife, cut the block of grits in 1/2" thick slices.
6. Gently transfer "fries" to a baking sheet sprayed with olive oil. Spray the top of the fries with olive oil. Do not let the fries touch each other. If they do, they won't crisp and you will have fucked this up.
7. Bake 20-30 minutes, flipping after 10 minutes and as necessary (you've gotta keep an eye on these), until browning along the corners. Add salt, if needed.

Put all that shit on a plate and eat it.

*after all, this wasn't exactly my first instant grits rodeo either.
**my grandmother's house didn't smell like food, it smelled like cigarettes. And we liked it. They had candy and toys.
*** except for the name: grits fries. That's an awful, awkward name, but I don't know what else to call them.
**** they also had the greatest grilled asparagus I've ever had. I don't know what their secret was, but I suspect it was microscopic pieces of fried chicken used as seasoning. I've asked a number of scientists about microscopic fried chicken technology and I'm sad to say that based on my findings, most scientists are assholes.


  1. Damn your blog is entertaining to read.....Props!!

  2. You are correct about the polenta fries and asparagus, good sir. As far as your mini fried chicken theory goes - let me knOw how that pans out.

    1. It's a sound theory. It's the scientists that are wrong.