Thursday, January 24, 2013

Root Veggie Chips

How's your bottom looking? Have people been stopping you constantly to tell you how good you look? It's not too late to make a new year's resolution.

Relax, I'm not here to bust your balls, smelly. I'm not the health food police. I'm more like a sleazy lobbyist for saturated fat.

What I'm saying is that maybe your resolution should be to gain 10 lbs. No matter what anyone says, no one likes an attractive person. And all those haters stopping to compliment you are wasting time that you could be wasting on your terms. Lucky for you, uncle oodblo has the cure-all: Eat a shitload of chips and stay seated basically always. You're welcome.

Wonton Ravioli

Every time I go for an extended period without updating this blog I end up feeling like I owe you pricks an excuse. My dog puked on my laptop, I was lost in the space-time continuum*, etc. Fuck you for making me feel so wanted. I didn't ask for the responsibility of having the world's greatest blog half a decade after people stopped caring about blogs, I signed up for it because it was free.

The cold, hard truth is this: I have an actual job. Plus, every week I write for the food blog of a local 'legitimate' publication (whatever the hell that means). Good work if you can find it.** 
(having a hard time reading between the lines? Now you don't have to: I'm too goddamn lazy to write two blogs all the time is what I am telling you.)

Monday, October 22, 2012

Candied Pecans

One day pecans just started raining down on my patio.

"Free food is falling from the sky!" I thought as I heard that sweet thump and roll, "Jackpot."

Was it some sort of miracle? Or was there a simpler explanation? Garden variety magic, maybe an enchanted patio situation? Either way, let's dial back the expectations. Magic and miracles aren't like they appear on TV*, there's real life baggage that comes with that shit.

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Pandering to the Times: Sweet Potato Fries

When and where did the whole sweet potato fries thing come about? I realize that's a very broad, what-the-fuck-ish sort of query, but it all happened so fast. One day I started seeing them at pubs here and there. That was followed in short succession by seeing them everywhere I might sit down to have a burger. It's like this: I can remember not having a cell phone (I should hope so, it was 2007) but I can't imagine going back to that place - nor do I have any idea how I ignored people in elevators in all the years prior to that. That's the way it'll be (hopefully) in 10 years or so when we all have bad ass, affordable jet-packs that are just part of our everyday existence. No big deal/how did we get by before? Such has become the way of the sweet potato fry.

Chicken Chili Verde

Chili verde. I don't know where they came up with that name. I don't even know who “they” are, but I would like a crack at their job – food namer sounds like an easy job. I could do that shit from home. Goodbye pants, hello financial security!


Chili verde, eh? Verde means green in Spanish (its English translation is "Spanish for the color green") and you do use green salsa, so that checks out. But chili? C'mon guy. I wasn't born yesterday*. That's not chili (we've been over this). Now, maybe if chili meant stew in Spanish (it doesn't), you'd have a point. Here's what I'm getting at: not to fuck with your mind or anything, but chili verde is actually stew (gasp). In fact, if it gets any thinner, you've crossed the border into soup country and you'd better hope you're carrying a valid form of ID, because the soup TSA doesn't fuck around.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Pickled Onions

Pickles are disgusting, yo.

Sorry, I've been watching a lot of Breaking Bad. Normally, I wouldn't casually end a sentence with "yo"*.

I don't like pickles. They're gross. Icky. Weird. I can't imagine how they even got invented other than the obvious explanation: some asshole food scientist** invented them as a sick, sick joke and they caught on immediately somehow. My sources inside the internet suggest, however, that pickles have been around since at least 2400 BC***. Whatever. (shaking fist) You win this round, facts!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Labor Day part III

Now, by this time you're probably exhausted, ready to take a nap after all that hummus and bacon. Not so fast! Labor Day isn't over yet, you little bitch.

Labor Day isn't over until something gets cooked over a flame (called "grilling" colloquially). I don't care that you're now coming to the sobering realization that you have to work tomorrow and you'd rather watch half a season of Wings than light the grill. Not my problem*. 

Do not skip the all-important grilling portion of your Labor Day activities. If you do, Labor Day will not be over and you will risk pissing off the ghosts of famous statesmen past and having them haunt you. Sure, you might draw ghost George Washington, whose approach to haunting is more benevolent and advice-based than, say, ghost Henry Clay, who might hit you with a whiskey bottle, or ghost (and possibly undead) Andrew Jackson, a belligerent sociopath if ever there was one.**

This year, I'm grilling salmon burgers, not just for deliciousness and richness of omega-3 fat booty acids, but also because I didn't have the time, space, suckling pig or apple needed to do a spit-grilled suckling pig with an apple in its mouth. Maybe next year.

Salmon Burgers
(makes 2)

6 oz salmon filet, cut into chunks
1/4 cup flour
1/4 cup crushed saltines
1/4 cup chopped onion
1 egg
1 tsp capers
1 tsp dill
salt and pepper

1. Combine all ingredients in a food processor and pulse a few times, until well incorporated.
2. Form into 2 patties and place in the freezer for 10-15 minutes. This helps them hold together better.
3. Grill over high heat until cooked through, about 6 minutes total. Serve on a toasted bun with other stuff on it. I used some of the hummus from Labor Day part II, but don't do that, as it's kinda overwhelming. Avocado would be good...

Note: I hope you have enjoyed this peek into the mysteries of Labor Day. You might be wondering why I waited until Labor Day to post all of this shit about Labor Day. I don't have a good answer for that, but I recognize that you may be wondering it.

*Actually, it's totally my problem. F.
** Seriously, good luck with the ghost of anyone ever involved in a duel.