Sunday, June 24, 2012

Chicharrones (nee Pork Rinds)

Americans, it seems, are eating a dangerously small amount of pork rinds.* Damn shame.

Most of us would eat pillow stuffing if it was covered in bacon, then politely demand more. Seconds with bacon on top is the American way. But the very same patriots just won't eat pork rinds**. Probably because pork rinds are exactly what the name suggests they are.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012


it's hot. let's fry some shit.

Nothing says every day in the life of an American quite like fries. Except maybe exploiting poor people. But I don't have a recipe for that, other than to say if you find yourself in the proximity of a poor person, see what you can get out of him.

Why would you spend time & make a mess frying something at home that you can buy at nearly every sit down restaurant or bar & with processed reliability at every fast food chain, you ask*. 

I don't have a good answer for that.

Friday, June 15, 2012

tex benedict

I never make time for breakfast.


The one between brunch & last night's dinner. It lasts until 10:30. I mean, I eat breakfast (a little parfait here, a little granola there, waffles in the toaster, breakfast tacos in my mouth...). But I don't have a real one often enough. 

It's not that I don't have time. I have a shitload of time. Are you kidding? Machines and gadgets do almost everything for me, so I don't have to do any real work; it's ideal. *
And the stuff that the machines refuse to help with, I just have my servants do.** Like driving me around & typing this blog entry (asshole). I saw that. You're fired. Turn in your tuxedo and get the hell out of here.

But despite my abundance of convenience based spare time, I rarely have a proper sit-down breakfast.

When I do, it's exciting. And this was a good one. And filling. A take on eggs benedict, at least in the sense of stacking starch/meat/white sauce/poached egg. Represented here as tostada, breakfast hash, poblano cream, poached egg. A way-the-fuck out there re-imagining of eggs benedict, I guess.

I licked the plate, smashed it on the ground in approval, had the staff pick up after me, tuck me into bed & then a solid 7 hour nap before polo in the evening. On youtube.

Note: I made this with a grilled corn relish in between the egg and hash. It was tasty, sweet from the corn & colorful. Also completely superfluous. I made it for something else and needed to get rid of it. It's an ear of grilled corn, a couple tbsp picante sauce and about a tbsp of cotija cheese.

Tex Benedict

for the tostada:
2 tostadas from fiesta (which you have to re-heat in the oven) or 2 fried tortillas (fry a tortilla in 1/2 inch of oil until crispy, drain on paper towel, repeat)

the hash:
1/4 lb breakfast sausage, crumbled
1 small potato
1 piece of bacon, cut into small pieces
about 1/8 of an onion. You heard me right, 1/8.
Tbsp bacon grease that you should be keeping in your fridge
spices: chili powder, cumin, mexican oregano

poblano cream (adapted from Steven Pyles Ancho Cream:
grilled or roasted poblano
couple tbsp milk
1/3 - 1/2 cup mexican sour cream or regular sour cream.

In a skillet, cook the all of the hash ingredients on medium-ish until brown and cooked through. 15 minutes or so. Try not to flip it so much, so it'll get a nice crust. Also, bacon cooks s,lower, so nuking the pieces for 30 seconds, to give it a head start, is a good idea.

Blend the milk & poblano in a food processor*** until smooth. It takes a couple of minutes.

Press poblano-milk mixture through a fine strainer or sieve into the cream. 

Fold the milk & poblano mixture into the cream. The cream is runny & you want it to kinda stay that way-- mix it together gently, so you don't add more air to the mixture.

When this is done and you have warmed tostadas, poach your egg.

Layer thusly: tostada, hash, poblano cream, tostada, hash, poblano cream, poached egg. Garnish as if it was your last day on earth. Go to town.

*They even keep me entertained 100% of the time I'm awake. Me bored -- the stimulus my mind gets when I'm bored as shit -- would have been the most exciting day in someone's life in the 1700's. I do not envy you, forefather.
**that's right: servants. It's like downton fuckin' abbey in my apartment.
***I have one of these, which changed my life.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012


A tamale looks nothing like what the name sounded like to me as a kid.

Same thing with sweet breads, Candlestick Park, and anyone with the name Carmen. I'm not entirely sure what I thought a tamale would look like based on name-sound alone, but the sound of "tamale" was exotic to me. Exotic in a "no way I'm eating that" 8 year old's kind of way. Like guacamole. "why the fuck*" kid me wondered "would would anybody eat guacamole? It looks weird, and that name..." ** Sight, smell, name, or just because-- I was a picky kid & nothing was going to stand in the way of me not trying new things. I could handle a lot-- baths, not being allowed to drive or make most of the family decisions, but not progress.

But with tamales it took a long time before I saw one & someone was like "no dummy, that's a tamale". I knew only that it sounded like more than I was up for. So when I finally really saw one, I was pissed off....

Why didn't anybody tell me tamales looked like this? I'll eat that shit. They should really change the name to something that doesn't sound challenging to an eight year old's palate. This looks like a wet, shiny, meat & cornbread bar. That sounds good. Why didn't they call it that? I'm going to pull Bernadette's hair & blame it on someone else.


What did I know? Children are dumb, everyone knows that.

Anyway, not to hyperbolize, but tamales are good. This was my first stab at making them, so I looked around & followed the basic concept here . I was very happy with the result. Not pinche bad for a gringo.
Oh and this is a sweet potato tamale. About that. Stay with me, weiners. The sweet potato flavor was mild and the texture was strictly tamale. No funny business (maybe second base). The sweet potato was a great ingredient, because I just mixed it into the tamale dough. In a meat or bean tamale, you've got separate layers to roll together. Easier. good.

sweet potato tamales
(8 or 10 large ones)

corn husks
1 sweet potato, cooked & mixed with cumin, cinnamon, chili powder & mexican oregano
1 3/4 cup instant masa
1 cup hot water
1/2 cup lard (don't use lois for this)
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 cup chicken broth
soak the corn husks in water for a few hours before you start your dough.

play the waiting game, or better, yahtzee. if you play yahtzee, you wanna get that 35 point upper bonus. trust me.

pour the water in the masa in a bowl & mix it together until it gets the consistency of moist brown sugar.

in another bowl, beat together the lard, baking powder & cooked sweet potato.
add the masa mixture, a bit at a time, to the sweet potato mixture.

when the masa is fully mixed with the sweet potato mixture, add in the chicken stock and BEAT. go to town. you want to get some air into the mixture.

when the mixture is light enough that a pinch will float in a glass of water, it's ready.

spoon about 2 tbsp of the mixture onto a corn husk & roll up the husk, folding in one end.

stack the tamales on end in a steamer***

steam for 2 hours with the lid on. check it every 15 minutes & add more water if needed. it will be needed.

after two hours, take one out and check it. If it looks like canned pumpkin, put it back in and check in 15 minutes. repeat until you have a firmer texture that resembles, oh i don't know, a tamale. I had to do this a couple of times, so don't get discouraged-- you will lose your tamale virginity with grace. The end.

*yup, even as a kid I liked working the blue. Who knew kid me & adult me would have something in common? Small world.
**Amazingly, it didn't taste like a cat's asshole when I finally tried it 15 years later.
***or as much on end as you can get them. I have a regular basket steamer, so it was hard to get them to not lay on one side. The result was that one side looked prettier than the other, but the texture and taste wasn't affected.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

red beans and rice

Sometimes I make something & I'm about to eat & I go "oh shit, I have to put this on the blog!" And then I cobble something together. It's like thinking you're going to watch youtube videos in a t-shirt and no pants all night & then getting invited to try out the world's first actual-- like you always imagined it-- rocket pack*. In one hour. And you need a tux.  

Not to worry, I always wear a tux when I cook. And while I can't prove that wearing a  tux will make you excel at creating this dish, I can't disprove it either. I never haven't donned a tux while making this dish. It's a comfort/sophistication thing. For the very same reason, I always wear swimming trunks under my clothes. Nothing's more uncomfortable than seeing a swimming pool & not being able to get in.

Red beans & rice is a creole classic, as well as a Caribbean favorite (where it's called rice & peas). This version, with the addition of the coconut milk, has more in common with Caribbean rice and peas & has been adapted over time from a recipe in "How to Make Everything" by the great Mark "Bobo" Bittman. No one actually calls him that.

Note: the coconut milk in this dish made me think of thai curries, which is what made me think to use curry paste. Meatwise,  Iitalian sausage, brats, spanish chorizo, bbq pork, carnitas, shrimp, rotisserie chicken, etc or certainly no meat at all, can be substituted here.

kinda curried red beans and rice
(good for about 36 hours worth)
don't take my pic, i haven't done my face!

for rice and beans:
can of red beans, drained
can of coconut milk
cup of rice**, preferably wild rice*** or a wild rice mix.
1tbsp red curry paste
juice of a lime
finely chopped cilantro for garnish

For meat:
use whatever you want (see notes above)
I used spiced ground turkey, crumbled and cooked in a pan, with chopped onion, garlic & ginger & some turmeric to give it some color. 

add the wild rice, coconut milk and curry paste to a pot or skillet and bring to a boil. if you aren't doing meat, first fry some onions, garlic and ginger in the pot then add the aforementioned stuff. 

reduce heat to a low simmer, and cap. Let it go 20 minutes****.

stir in drained red beans. if there is liquid left from cooking the rice, turn the heat up a little until it is absorbed.

stir in lime juice, & cilantro (hint: use a shitload).

serve & top with cooked meat. 

*like you wouldn't compare your blog to a rocket pack. especially a reliable one. with a good warranty.
**I used a 99c box of rice-a-roni wild rice mix. It had a "spice packet" that smelled like dehydrated feet. the rice was fine, but if you can get Rice Select or Mahatma brands, both are way better.
***wild rice isn't actually rice. which probably explains why it's so good (rice kinda sucks)
****you want the rice to absorb the liquid, rather than it evaporating, so keep the lid on

Thursday, June 7, 2012

comfort food (or food to listen to appetite for destruction to)

i hope you like fried chicken and guns n' roses. read on.

There are entries in our culinary lexicon, like foodie and comfort food that make me want to punch a baby penguin*. Foodie (cringe)? Really, you like food huh? Cool. I'm really big into breathing air. That's my thing: air. A need isn't a hobby. That's just being lazy (also not a hobby). And comfort food? Comfortable how? Comfortable like farting in front of your significant other? Comfortable like wade boggs settling in for a cross country flight? I don't need my food adjectives to evoke belucosity or the ballplayers of my youth tying one on**. Nevermind that comfort food is actually the gateway to discomfort (who doesn't overdo it?), it just sounds weird to me. Like calling food "fun". Why would you need to eat fun? You don't go to a picture show because you're hungry. And your stomach doesn't go "look, I'm really empty here and everything, but could you play that shake your ass song by Mystikal? I'm just looking for a good time." Dumb.

Whatever. That said, comfort food totally rules.

Yes, the term is a little twee***. It's also evocative & I get it. I'm thinking warm, filling, not-too-challenging to the palate stuff. Kids' stuff. Stuff that takes you back. Like Appetite for Destruction or whatever album you grew up on. Yes indeed, Appetite is the comfort food of sounds (honorable mention) & not a certain later GnR offering.****

In fact, where are you Weird Al? Appetite lays the perfect framework for a concept food parody album (appetite for consumption?):

maybe it's just the knife, but i'm comforted
Welcome to the Jungle-- Welcome to My Mouth Hole

Out to Get Me-- Out to Get Beef

Mr Brownstone-- Mr Brown..fuck...uhhh... pone… I don't know. Work in progress.

Think About You--Think About Food

Rocket Queen-- Refried Bean
(here's a haaaaam/and you're a refried bean/ooooh yeeeaaah…)

This stuff practically writes itself. Anyway, here's some food so comfortable you'll swear there's a Barcalounger in your mouth.

Notes: this is a bit of a rerun, as I already covered fried chicken. Ignore the old recipe. This is far far superior & I will always do it this way from now on. The combination of the buttermilk marinade & spiking the flour mixture with a bit of corn starch (thank you korean fried chicken for giving me that idea) gives the chicken a perfect, crispy, slightly crunchy crust. Plus pan frying in the cast iron is simple. Lastly, I had steamed broccoli and mac 'n' cheese with this. I can't do MnC better than the stuff from the box, so no recipe there. And the broccoli... steam it for 10 minutes. chop it up. end of recipe.

Pan fried chicken
(so comforting I ate it all. It's the equivalent of 10 chicken wings)

5 chicken wings (not the "wing" and drumette, the full-on wingage)*****
1 cup flour
1/4 cup corn starch
Oil for frying

for marinade:
1/2 pint buttermilk
seasoning (I used cumin, paprika, garlic powder)
3 tbsp soy sauce
1 tbsp hot sauce or to taste

mix together the marinade ingredients. pour marinade in a freezer bag with the chicken and toss to coat the chicken. refrigerate several hours.

stare vacuously at the ground.

mix the corn starch and flour in a bowl. take the chicken pieces out of the marinade, shaking excess off, & drop them in the bowl. toss to coat.

let the chicken stay out until it gets kind of a gluey sticky exterior. this is the buttermilk bonding with the flour & starch & is what's going to give you that great crust.

pour oil about half way up in a cast iron skillet & heat it to about medium, maybe a little less. do it slowly. If you get cast iron too hot, you'll have smoking oil and a pan that wants to stay too hot.

fry the pieces for about 20 minutes, flipping and rotating once, midway through. they should be brown and basically cooked through.

turn the heat to med-hi. fry 3-5 more minutes, flipping the pieces. This is just to get them super crispy. they'll look browner after being out of the oil a few minutes, so don't overdo it.

drain on paper towels, dust with salt, let the pieces rest a few minutes & enjoy.

 *not really. I usually think seafaring birds are bullshit (Because they are. What are you doing? Ever heard "it's for the birds"? They're not talking about swimming.), but come on…. look at these little bastards! I might even smuggle one home from a a zoo, only to realize later that raising a penguin is harder, less sitcom-ish than I thought & then abandon it in a field where it will be free.
**but I do like wade boggs getting hammered memes. also, Boggsy is purported to have eaten fried chicken before every game. No wonder he's in the Hall of Fame!
***kinda like the term "twee". I had to do the right thing and punch myself in the stomach after I wrote that.
****it's sure as fuck not Chinese Democracy. You took it too far Axl, especially when you ate Van Morrison and took to wearing his skin as a raincoat.
*****keeping the wing whole allows you to have sort of a chicken wing kebab. The chicken's wing provides the familiar drumette & "wing" you get with buffalo wings. This simply keeps it in tact, plus the wing tip acts as a little fried handle.

Monday, June 4, 2012

truck month carnitas

what's it gonna take to get you into a pile of carnitas today?

Bottom line: June is Truck Month in Texas, or so the TV tells me. Constantly. Truck Month is a traditional & festive time at one's local ford, chevy or dodge dealer. The dude from blazing saddles is there. It's a magical, magical, limited-time only season.

I love the truck holidays.

Were you good this year? Yeah? Then enjoy the best payload* in class in your stocking. Unwrap a crew cab. Decorate your shrub (it'a shrub for truck month) with very low APR. Have a new car smell flavored gin cocktail. And never forget the true meaning of truck month: hurrying to get yourself a good deal on a full size pickup before the savings on model year end close outs is history.

Obviously Truck Month is important, so I wanted to ring in the Season with savings! Er, with deliciousness. I give you the national dish of Truck Month. Carnitas.
i accept the responsibility, taco gods

I bitched a while back about taquerias serving up bad carnitas. Don't ruin truck month by making me talk about it again. This is how to not make them bad. It's a pretty simple pork shoulder confit. What's a confit, you pompous douche, you ask? In olden (pre-refrigeration) times it was a preservation method whereby meat (or whatever) was cooked in rendered fat, then allowed to cool in said fat. The fat congealed, got covered in cloth & the contents were preserved inside soooo much cooled, rendered fat, like Han Solo in carbonite. Nowadays obviously, a refrigerator stands in nicely for the old (whatever they used to store it in) of fat, so what you're left with is the cooking method. Essentially: simmering something immersed in hot fat. A slow deep fry.**

Before you start bitching about your arteries, it's not as bad as it sounds. There's no breading; no fat is being absorbed by the meat. Pork shoulder is naturally fatty, but a confit of pork is no fattier than braised pork. It also keeps the meat more moist, because... fuck it, somebody else explain...

meet lois, your new bff
If you're gonna start confiting, you're gonna want to start keeping a bucket of lard in your fridge. Reusing lard adds flavor. I know what you're thinking: a bucket of lard in my fridge? C'mon guy, isn't that disgusting and weird? Relax. And don't call me guy. It's not what it sounds like. Its actually a tupperware filled with lard. Totally different. Stick it in the back of the fridge and don't think about it. Or try giving your lard a name, like Lois, to humanize it, so you stop judging it. And if Lois gets nasty and has to go away, invest in Lois 2. You have to get over the lard thing if you want to make this.

Trust me: do it.

Make these carnitas and then maybe head out to your neighborhood Toyota dealer. Bring 'em some. Let them know you appreciate what they do. While you're there, if you wanna take a look at some serious savings on Tacomas & Tundras... hey, all the better. Happy Truck Month, everyone.

truck month carnitas
pork is for lovers
(servings vary. it goes quickly)

gotsa have:

2 lb pork shoulder, cut into 2 squarish chunks
salt, pepper, cumin
zest or peel of a navel orange (that's the size you're going for but any type of orange is ok)
lard. 4lb bucket of lard (you only need half, don't be a pussy). you'll know when you see it, because it's in a damn bucket
a sweet catch phrase-- I suggest "sweet sassy molassey"

bring the lard up to about medium heat. i like to spike mine with some bacon grease too***

dust your pork chunks with salt, pepper & cumin (or whatever you like if you wanna not copy me). press it in there to help get a crust.

drop the pork chunks and orange peel into the lard and reduce the heat to low to med-low. you want a lazy lazy simmer.

(catch phrase)

burn in heaven carnitas
let it go about 2 hours (maybe 2.5), turning every hour if the pork pieces are not quite covered (cover them as much as possible). they should have some give, but not be jiggly yet. when you get that par-jiggle, crank the heat to med-hi, until you get a nice brown crust (20 minutes or so). the pork should now have a little wiggle to it (catch phrase).

take the pork out & let it drain and rest (it's had a long day) for a bit, at least 15 minutes. should be up near 180-190 internally.

time's up? (catch phrase)**** whack it to pieces with a big knife.

If you've done it right, you'll have this rich, juicy pulled pork/cripsy bits/fleshy bites hybrid. With a little orange hint. Good luck not grabbing a handful off the top and shoving it into your mouth. Suffice it to say, it's a gift from the taco gods.

Random pic of my brother's mustache:
another taco pic. add it to the pile.
And scene.

*payload? what the fuck is payload supposed to be and how are we supposed to not think it sounds porno-ey?
**you can still, like the traditional method, cool the meat inside the cooking fat. some people say this method is best, that it adds flavor. it doesn't, but suit yourself. its not gonna hurt.
***yup, vat o' lard in the fridge, bacon grease in the freezer, virginia ham next to my fax machine: the pig essentials
****you overdid it with the catch phrase. you're just... you're over selling it.

i wish every month was truck month. oh snap. it is.

tiny stacked enchilada

tiny stacked enchilada: food :: cat videos: real life

I'm too old for a midnight snack. People in their thirties can't just get wasted, pound some whataburger at 3am, wake up on a half eaten taquito for a pillow & it's wrapper for a blankey & then expect to function. We'd wake up with the taste of shame for an enemy & heartburn for a best friend. Besides, we've got having a job & not being a red nosed drunk to think about.

I do however enjoy making things on a whim super late at night, right before bed (ok fine. at 10:30). And then not eating them until lunch the next day on account of the heartburn. This is one of those. It's also enchiladas, which as I discussed before, I don't really like. Why are you making something you don't like, you ask? Get your own blog dingleberry. I had boredom, I had an idea…

This is a miniature, single serving take on New Mexico style (stacked, although sans fried egg on top) enchiladas. They're shaped like Texas, because lets face it, the shape of Texas is waaaaay cooler than the shape of new New Mexico* & because I have a Texas shaped cookie cutter from Sur la Table (fuck off).

You could also make this as a regular casserole. It's like enchilada lasagna. Just don't cut the tortillas to resemble New Mexico or everybody will think you're an asshole.

tiny stacked enchilada
(or make it regular size and invent a shrinking gun)

here goes:
2 corn tortillas
shredded cheddar jack cheese
canned enchilada sauce (look for chilies as the first ingredient)
leftover meat, i used carnitas (sub additoonal cheese if desired)

Preheat oven to 400

empty enchilada sauce into a bowl.

cut your tortillas with cookie cutter to get 6 little texas tortillas.

spread a spoonful of enchilada sauce onto the bottom of your cooking vessel.

you're going to dip each piece of tortilla into the sauce, covering it in sauce, and then layer: saucy tortilla, cheese, saucy tortilla, meat, saucy tortilla, cheese. repeat. top with extra cheese and sauce as desired.

bake about 10-15 minutes. everything here is already cooked, so you're just getting it warm & melting the cheese.

I garnished with cotija, cilantro, a grilled chili slice & additional enchilada sauce. Plus some of this addictive-ass green hot sauce that I horde when I go to the greatest taqueria on the planet. Then I froze the unused enchilada sauce.

You're showing me something, stacked enchilada. I still think your cousin, regular enchilada, is a grody tramp though. You must be adopted.

martha stewart taught me this when we were in prison together

*I've got mad love for you New Mexico, but your shape looks like fat square Alabama or upside down Utah. In fact, let's all take a second to laugh at the shape of New Mexico. There, I feel better.

loaded sweet potato

Sweet potatoes, I'm learning, are a bit of an acquired taste. Maybe it's that a lot of people's exposure to sweet potatoes started with that marshmallow topped casserole from the thanksgivings of our youth. And that was it, until scientists discovered sweet potato fries 7 or 8 years ago and then big sweet potato started pushing them on restaurants.*

If you went to someone's house and they served that godawful awful slop any day but thanksgiving, you would assume that aliens had come down and inhabited the bodies of your friends. That would be the one element that tipped you off. Something's not right here. No human would do that. Then you'd have to act like you didn't know that they were aliens & eventually you'd blow one of them up. I don't envy you.

you won't always be this awkward and unattractive, sweet potato
But sweet potatoes, turns out, are pretty versatile. Blah blah blah. If you hate sweet potatoes, you will hate this recipe. I'm not gonna proselytize you on sweet potatoes. Run along. Play some Sega Genesis. If you don't hate sweet potatoes...yeah. You can use 'em a lot like potatoes. As fries, scalloped, in soups, (although they won't do this) etc*. And baked, which is what this is.

Whoever came up with the loaded baked potato, I'd like to shake his or her hand. And then travel back in time and steal the idea from them. Its just... I can't think of a way to improve on it. They got it right. And you can similarly load up a sweet potato. Obviously they're different than potatoes, so you want to consider that in how you treat them. A baked sweet potato's texture leaves something to be desired. Unlike a baked russet potato, which know what it's like, a baked sweet potato is mushy and stringy, collapsing a little when relieved of some of it's moisture. It needs help. It needs a culinary tit-job. Mixing greek yogurt together with the sweet potato flesh gives it some body, a more pleasing texture and a tartness that compliments the sweet potato's, wait for it, sweetness. It's really a loaded twice baked sweet potato, but no one's gonna read a recipe with a title longer than a tweet.

Note: This is a full meal. Choose sweet potatoes that are roughly the same volume as a potato you'd eat all of. also, you could certainly go the route of the traditional loaded baked potato-- chives, bacon, butter, sour cream, cheese--but barbecued pork, leftover chili (which is what i did) or just cheese and bacon** work better for this.

loaded sweet potato
(makes 1 loaded sweet potato or just a baked sweet potato if you unload it)

1 sweet potato
greek yogurt, 2-3 tbsp
something to top it with

preheat oven to 425.

poke a few holes in the sweet potato with a fork so it doesn't explode in the oven. or, if you want it to explode, don't.

bake for an hour. check it. it should be a bit mushy and the flesh should be separating from the skin at the top. if its not ready, put it back in & check it every 10  minutes until it's done.

split the sweet potato open & pull the skin back slightly. dollop on the yogurt & carefully mix flesh and yogurt together, fluffing it a bit.

top with chili, bbq, cheese, a whole rotisserie chicken...whatever you have leftover. you can do everything ahead up to this point.

pop back into hot oven (350 is always safe for reheating) and reheat until completely warmed through & cheese, if you used it, is melted on top.

i bet i looked like an ass trying to get this shot
*not that i'm complaining, i love sweet potato fries especially from these two (a & b) greenville ave joints.
*you can make chips with either tuber using the microwave. i find this method is kinda difficult and time consuming-- you have to break it into so many batches-- but when they don't burn (oh and they go from done to burnt in a second), they turn out pretty good.
**much like a regular twice baked potato. use a mild cheese with sweet potatoes.


you know what it takes to garnish a parfait? brass balls
I would strangle a puma with its own face then jump over a dead hooker just to eat a parfait. They're as much a delight to eat as they are to look at. Also, elephant in the room, you might want to whip out some dead hooker-away or whatever and spray that shit on the dead hooker. I'm not going down for this, understand? And you saw what I did to that puma...

This is a good, easy, not too fancy parfait (in case you're not man enough to eat a parfait with your head held high) & and I always pour a little out for my fallen puma adversaries. Actually no I don't. I'm not wasting perfectly good parfait on a puma that can't even maul me. That's ridiculous. Although it may explain the group of bloodthirsty puma ghosts who haunt my apartment.

note: you can use home made granola for this, but I used a cereal I got from the store. It's ideal for this. I actually like it better for parfait than my granola, no offense inner self. It's flakes help keep a nice barrier between the layers. And they're super processed, so they hold up. You can actually make it right before bed and keep it in the fridge. Not pretty, but still amazing.

yes this image is filler. yes i'm ok with that.

(makes a parfait)

greek yogurt
cereal or granola
frozen berry medley (or fresh if they're in season, bossy)

get yourself a glass

it doesn't really matter how you stack this, just start with yogurt on the bottom, then cereal, then berries (or vice versa) repeat twice. make the top fancy if you like it fancy on the top. no one's stopping you.

If using frozen berries, they need to thaw a bit before consumption. The drive to work does it for me.

For a zany spin on this, you can try parfait served with 2-8 strips of bacon. Who would've thought?