Every time I go for an extended period without updating this blog I end up feeling like I owe you pricks an excuse. My dog puked on my laptop, I was lost in the space-time continuum*, etc. Fuck you for making me feel so wanted. I didn't ask for the responsibility of having the world's greatest blog half a decade after people stopped caring about blogs, I signed up for it because it was free.
The cold, hard truth is this: I have an actual job. Plus, every week I write for the food blog of a local 'legitimate' publication (whatever the hell that means). Good work if you can find it.**
(having a hard time reading between the lines? Now you don't have to: I'm too goddamn lazy to write two blogs all the time is what I am telling you.)
I like writing for that publication too - it's as good an excuse as any to wear a fedora and drink scotch all day - but when people on the street ask me why I don't do much oodblo anymore, I'm reminded, as my inner workings come up with the proper response, (usually 'eat my ass' , 'fuck off', or a polite waving of the middle finger, if I'm in a professional setting) of why I started this blog in the first place: to be sensationalistic and crass***, without any reprecussions. It's 9 year old me's dream come true. If I could go back in time and say anything to that young man it would be this: you'll reach your dream kid, you'll reach your hell-balls-shit-bastard dream. And try using 'douchebag' as a pejorative; you'll be way ahead of your time.
|standard setup for a game of 6 pin ravioli bowling|
Oh and food. There is that part of things too I guess. Fine. You douchebags**** want recipes? Well, I have a shitload of recipes. To the archive! First up is.... wonton ravioli? Whatever. I drew it out of a hat, more or less. Look, you want me to blog? This is me blogging, so shut up.
I don't really eat a lot of pasta. I also I don't have a smooth follow-up to that statement. This is a good recipe if you feel like making it look like you made something from scratch, but really you hardly did any work.
Cheese and Herb Wonton Ravioli
About 48 wonton wrappers
4.5 oz goat cheese
1/2 cup ricotta cheese
small handful torn basil leaves
4 or 5 chopped green onions (just the green ends)
pepitas for garnish
1. Mix together cheeses, egg, basil and green onion for the filling.
2. To make raviolis, lay a wonton wrapper on a flat surface and brush with water. Scoop 1 tsp of the filling onto the wonton. Place another wonton wrapper on top and seal the sides, and carefully pressing air pockets out. Using a ramekin or glass as a guide, cut the ravioli into circles and seal edges again with fork if desired. Repeat as necessary.
3. Working in batches, drop the ravioli, one by one, into boiling water. Let them boil until they float, about 2-3 minutes. Remove and drain with a slotted spoon and serve with…
Roasted Pepper Sauce12oz jar roasted red bell peppers, drained
2 tbsp sun dried tomatoes
splash or two lemon juice or red vinegar
1/2 cup milk (you can substitute almond milk)
tsp minced garlic
1. In a food processor, puree everything together but the milk. Taste and adjust salt if necessary. Set aside.
2. When you’re ready to serve, warm up the puree in a pan, stir in the milk, shut off heat and serve.
*not that I would ever stoop to using as cheap a device as time travel as an excuse
**actually... it's bullshit work - it pays nothing and eats into my free time. But the job's taken, so BACK OFF.
***do you realize I can't even say 'cunt' in the publication in question? How am I supposed to express myself?
****Thanks, past future self.