Monday, September 17, 2012

Pickled Onions

Pickles are disgusting, yo.

Sorry, I've been watching a lot of Breaking Bad. Normally, I wouldn't casually end a sentence with "yo"*.

I don't like pickles. They're gross. Icky. Weird. I can't imagine how they even got invented other than the obvious explanation: some asshole food scientist** invented them as a sick, sick joke and they caught on immediately somehow. My sources inside the internet suggest, however, that pickles have been around since at least 2400 BC***. Whatever. (shaking fist) You win this round, facts!

Now, according to wikipedia, in England pickled onions -- not cucumbers -- are the food most commonly referred to as "pickles". So, if you're English, you may have been confused up to this point, because I was referring specifically to the grossness of pickled cucumbers****. Which... look, if you can't even read a recipe without getting confused... I'm just saying, it explains a lot... like why we kicked your ass in the Revolutionary War, yo.

But in this case, despite more than a century on the ass-end of hegemony, England got one right- and without having to be steered in the right direction by America. Yay! Who's a big boy or girl world power??

These pickled onions are great on tacos, burritos, sandwiches, salads or as a courtroom prop if you're on trial and trying to work up an insanity defense. What's crazier than somebody in a tattered bathrobe (you'll be wearing a tattered bathrobe btw), clinging to a jar of pickled onions? Check mate.

Pickled Onions

1 medium red onion, sliced into thin rings (use a mandolin slicer if you've got one, but be careful not to slice off any part of your body or face)
1 cup red wine vinegar
2 tbsp sugar
tsp crushed corriander seeds
1 or 2 cloves
bay leaf


1. In a sauce pan, bring all ingredients to a boil.

2. After a minute, cap the pan, and remove from heat.

3. Allow onions and pickling liquid to come to room temperature, then transfer to an airtight container in the fridge. As they continue to cool, their color will turn a bright pinkish red. These stay good in the fridge for at least 2 weeks.

*Unless someone is being a yo-yo and I have to straighten them out (ex: "Stop being a yo-yo").
**Yeah, most scientists are assholes. Don't believe me? Watch Breaking Bad. It's a show about an asshole scientist who -- if I were a writer on the show -- would have a pet monkey.
***Not the crappy comic strip BC, we're talking actual BC olden times. But speaking of crappy comic strips, Funky Winkerbean is crap. It's too serious. Serious comic strips should be drawn to look serious, like Apt 3-G or Judge Parker. Everybody knows this. You're bumming us out, Funky Winkerbean.
****Which the English refer to as "pizza"


  1. Stick to food commentary nerd*

    *youre getting a wedgie next time I see you

    1. Look, Bull... I'm not a little bitch like Les Moore, OK? You don't scare me. Frankly, you're starting to act like Crankshaft.

    2. Sorry, I just lash out because my father abused me*

      *serious comics get deep like Jacques Cousteau

    3. Well, you should have abused him back, loser. Fucking cartoons...