Maple Bacon Glazed Donuts

So this is awkward, but I'm not into the whole "throw some bacon on everything" scene*. Not exactly anyway.

Look, I'm a good person. I do a lot of volunteering (for blogs), I typically stab drifters only when provoked and I love bacon. My own dad, a fine citizen of the highest order, makes bacon everyday, so bacon as a food group has been deeply embedded in my brain/mouth/stomach for several decades.

But bacon just doesn't belong on everything. Get a hold of yourself, sit the fuck down and read the preceding sentence again if need be.

tex benedict

I never make time for breakfast.

Breakfast.

The one between brunch & last night's dinner. It lasts until 10:30. I mean, I eat breakfast (a little parfait here, a little granola there, waffles in the toaster, breakfast tacos in my mouth...). But I don't have a real one often enough. 

It's not that I don't have time. I have a shitload of time. Are you kidding? Machines and gadgets do almost everything for me, so I don't have to do any real work; it's ideal. *

And the stuff that the machines refuse to help with, I just have my servants do.** Like driving me around & typing this blog entry (asshole). I saw that. You're fired. Turn in your tuxedo and get the hell out of here.

But despite my abundance of convenience based spare time, I rarely have a proper sit-down breakfast.

When I do, it's exciting. And this was a good one. And filling. A take on eggs benedict, at least in the sense of stacking starch/meat/white sauce/poached egg. Represented here as tostada, breakfast hash, poblano cream, poached egg. A way-the-fuck out there re-imagining of eggs benedict, I guess.

I licked the plate, smashed it on the ground in approval, had the staff pick up after me, tuck me into bed & then a solid 7 hour nap before polo in the evening. On youtube.

Note: I made this with a grilled corn relish in between the egg and hash. It was tasty, sweet from the corn & colorful. Also completely superfluous. I made it for something else and needed to get rid of it. It's an ear of grilled corn, a couple tbsp picante sauce and about a tbsp of cotija cheese.

Tex Benedict

(1)

for the tostada:

2 tostadas from fiesta (which you have to re-heat in the oven) or 2 fried tortillas (fry a tortilla in 1/2 inch of oil until crispy, drain on paper towel, repeat)

the hash:

1/4 lb breakfast sausage, crumbled

1 small potato

1 piece of bacon, cut into small pieces

about 1/8 of an onion. You heard me right, 1/8.

Tbsp bacon grease that you should be keeping in your fridge

spices: chili powder, cumin, mexican oregano

poblano cream (adapted from Steven Pyles Ancho Cream:

grilled or roasted poblano

couple tbsp milk

1/3 - 1/2 cup mexican sour cream or regular sour cream.

In a skillet, cook the all of the hash ingredients on medium-ish until brown and cooked through. 15 minutes or so. Try not to flip it so much, so it'll get a nice crust. Also, bacon cooks s,lower, so nuking the pieces for 30 seconds, to give it a head start, is a good idea.

Blend the milk & poblano in a food processor*** until smooth. It takes a couple of minutes.

Press poblano-milk mixture through a fine strainer or sieve into the cream. 

Fold the milk & poblano mixture into the cream. The cream is runny & you want it to kinda stay that way-- mix it together gently, so you don't add more air to the mixture.

When this is done and you have warmed tostadas, poach your egg.

Layer thusly: tostada, hash, poblano cream, tostada, hash, poblano cream, poached egg. Garnish as if it was your last day on earth. Go to town.

*They even keep me entertained 100% of the time I'm awake. Me bored -- the stimulus my mind gets when I'm bored as shit -- would have been the most exciting day in someone's life in the 1700's. I do not envy you, forefather.

**that's right: servants. It's like downton fuckin' abbey in my apartment.

***I have one of these, which changed my life.

parfait

you know what it takes to garnish a parfait? brass balls

I would strangle a puma with its own face then jump over a dead hooker just to eat a parfait. They're as much a delight to eat as they are to look at. Also, elephant in the room, you might want to whip out some dead hooker-away or whatever and spray that shit on the dead hooker. I'm not going down for this, understand? And you saw what I did to that puma...

This is a good, easy, not too fancy parfait (in case you're not man enough to eat a parfait with your head held high) & and I always pour a little out for my fallen puma adversaries. Actually no I don't. I'm not wasting perfectly good parfait on a puma that can't even maul me. That's ridiculous. Although it may explain the group of bloodthirsty puma ghosts who haunt my apartment.

note: you can use home made granola for this, but I used a cereal I got from the store. It's ideal for this. I actually like it better for parfait than my granola, no offense inner self. It's flakes help keep a nice barrier between the layers. And they're super processed, so they hold up. You can actually make it right before bed and keep it in the fridge. Not pretty, but still amazing.

yes this image is filler. yes i'm ok with that.

parfait
(makes a parfait)

greek yogurt
cereal or granola
frozen berry medley (or fresh if they're in season, bossy)

get yourself a glass

it doesn't really matter how you stack this, just start with yogurt on the bottom, then cereal, then berries (or vice versa) repeat twice. make the top fancy if you like it fancy on the top. no one's stopping you.

If using frozen berries, they need to thaw a bit before consumption. The drive to work does it for me.

For a zany spin on this, you can try parfait served with 2-8 strips of bacon. Who would've thought?

peanut butter granola

Granola is chaos. Unlike freeze tag, there are no real rules. You can put whatever you want in granola for the most part (hint: nuts, seeds, anything a squirrel will eat should do. Also dried fruit, chocolate chips & oh, I don't know, any other shit you've seen in granola are good places to start.) The only real constants are: a base of oats & some kind of sugar (honey, maple syrup, etc) to help brown the oats & form clusters. Plus, it's a good way to eat oats that isn't eating oatmeal, which is basically being waterboarded and calling it breakfast (tip: be wary of any info you get from oatmealing a perp; they're likely to say anything to make it stop). Plus it gives me an opportunity, when some inquisitive person asks what I'm eating to reply, “mind your own business, asshole.”

This “recipe” takes no thought. A drunken transient could do it.* Next time you see a dude with a “will work for food” sign, tell him you'll give him some granola, but only if he makes it. The result will undoubtedly be a grubbier version of this. And all of the aluminum cans from your recycling disappearing.

peanut butter granola

(about a jar full. I really don't know or care how many servings that is.)

1 cup oats

tsp cinnamon

1/4 cup maple syrup

1/4 cup dried cranberries or other dried fruit

1/4 cup raw pumpkin seeds**

1/4 chopped pistachios or other chopped nuts

2-ish tsp olive oil

tbsp warmed peanut butter

preheat oven to 350.

dump the oats & pumpkin seeds into a big  bowl, which we'll call terry, with the cinnamon.

In another bowl mix together the oil, warmed (so you have an easier time mixing it) PB & maple syrup. dump it into terry.

mix it all up with a wooden spoon. you want to make sure that the sugar and oil is coating everything as evenly as it can.

spread it in a thin layer on a baking sheet or a casserole dish.

bake for 20-25 minutes. Take it out of the oven.*** The oats should look like they're starting to brown. add the chopped nuts and give it all a shake. You have to wait to add the nuts, or they'll burn.

bake about 10 more minutes.

take it out of the oven. add in the dried fruit and stir together.

let it cool to room temperature & store in a jar or airtight container. eat like cereal or in a parfait. and don't let anybody give you shit for eating a parfait.

*here i'm referring to your garden variety street corner wino, not hoboes. all real hoboes can cook. and grift. and tell tall tales. everybody knows that. if you know a colorful hobo, there's no need for you to read this blog. 

**not the roasted white super salty ones next to the sunflower seeds on the super salty seeds wall at 7-11. although those do rule.

***you could also leave it in the oven for 35-40 minutes, flipping ever so gently after 25-30 if you want a (more or less) single mass of granola that you break into bigger chunks. or use a ramekin or cookie cutter to make granola circles or shapes (if you have little ones or a spouse/bf/gf who's not very smart). If you wanna go that route you'll have to add the nuts and fruit with everything else. the fruit should be ok, just rehydrate it for 30 minutes in really hot water. i'm not sure what nuts to use (almonds?) on account of the burning. sorry. today my jurisdiction ends here. I like it to have a cereal-like consistency and then eat it like cereal. bonus: this cereal won't tear up the roof of your mouth like this one will.