Tuesday, May 22, 2012

oatmeal sucks (with grapefruit, no offense grapefruit)

Seriously, fuck oatmeal. I eat this slop because "they" say its healthy. It doesn't look good, it doesn't taste good. What the hell?
The character Kevin, from the once great show "the office" likened eating bad pizza to eating a hot circle of garbage. If that's the case, oatmeal is a hot deep circle of garbage.
Little tip: if you ever get mixed up in a kidnapping DON'T FUCKING GIVE YOUR CAPTIVES OATMEAL. Also, don't kidnap anybody or whatever. But for real, if you do kidnap someone, don't give 'em oatmeal (also, don't send a ransom letter with little letters cut out of magazines-- it's very time consuming & the modern kidnapper has too much on their plate for such things. I'm sure there's an app that creates adorable ransom letters). Your captives will not get stockholm syndrome and just come around to your way of seeing things one day if you feed them fucking oatmeal. Patty Hearst helped her captors rob a fucking bank! Think about that shit man. They probably gave her bacon whenever she wanted.
Anyway, this is a meal so shitty your parents will be very proud that you're eating it. Don't get instant oats, they are horrifying and regular rolled oats only take 3 minutes in the microwave.

So here it is....

Oatmeal (with grapefruit)
(serves one unhappy asshole)
I would've called you back, oatmeal. But you're the way you are.

Ingredients (if you really wanna go through this):

for oatmeal-

dash salt
cinnamon to taste (1/4 tsp-ish)
chopped nuts
dude, you do not have to do this
dried fruit
splash disgusting fake milk*

for grapefruit-

half a grapefruit

take some oatmeal. put it a fuckin' bowl. remember oats absorb water, so the volume of said oats will end up much greater than what you started with. and they like to boil over, so be a sport & maybe put a plate under that bowl, OK champ?

add cinnamon & salt & dried fruit.

add enough water to cover oat and then some. about 1.5 parts water to oats.

heat on high for 3 minutes. stir. wait.

stir in some fake milk if desired (it helps).

garnish with chopped nuts and greek yogurt if desired. or maple syrup. or honey. anything that takes your mind off of what you're about to eat.

eat. try not to throw up.

for the grapefruit:

no way in hell i'm typing this out. just google "how to eat a grapefruit".

I could've scraped that shit off the back of the bowl, but I'm trying to prove a point to you.

"They" also say that oatmeal is great because it fills you up. Well, that is delightful! It's also complete bullshit. Every time i have oatmeal, I'm stabby ass fuckin' hungry in like an hour and a half. And I end up eating Taco Bueno. Which I'm totally not complaining about, but come on... healthy my ass.


*its actually not disgusting and it stays good for a long time, which is great if you're not a milk drinker (ie you're an adult & not a 12 year old)


  1. Well that sucks, no Taco Bueno for miles around (Vancouver, WA). So what do you mean by fake milk?

    1. It's Silk Unsweetened Almond Milk. Pretty Good. Looks weird, but it's good in cereal and stuff too.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. Sorry, had a bad typo, which I caught too late. Anyhow, I will try the Silk Almond - the Silk Soy is pretty good. BTW, love your blog! So far, everything I've read has been toooo good!

  2. nice blog.
    here's a better way to eat oatmeal: http://princessinthekitchen.wordpress.com/2012/06/10/flourless-oatmeal-pancakes/

    ignore the shit picture, it's good i promise

    1. Hey, that looks OK... would it work for waffles?