Labor Day part III

Now, by this time you're probably exhausted, ready to take a nap after all that hummus and bacon. Not so fast! Labor Day isn't over yet, you little bitch.

Labor Day isn't over until something gets cooked over a flame (called "grilling" colloquially). I don't care that you're now coming to the sobering realization that you have to work tomorrow and you'd rather watch half a season of Wings than light the grill. Not my problem*. 

Do not skip the all-important grilling portion of your Labor Day activities. If you do, Labor Day will not be over and you will risk pissing off the ghosts of famous statesmen past and having them haunt you. Sure, you might draw ghost George Washington, whose approach to haunting is more benevolent and advice-based than, say, ghost Henry Clay, who might hit you with a whiskey bottle, or ghost (and possibly undead) Andrew Jackson, a belligerent sociopath if ever there was one.**

This year, I'm grilling salmon burgers, not just for deliciousness and richness of omega-3 fat booty acids, but also because I didn't have the time, space, suckling pig or apple needed to do a spit-grilled suckling pig with an apple in its mouth. Maybe next year.

Salmon Burgers

(makes 2)

Ingredients:

6 oz salmon filet, cut into chunks

1/4 cup flour

1/4 cup crushed saltines

1/4 cup chopped onion

1 egg

1 tsp capers

1 tsp dill

salt and pepper

Instructions:

1. Combine all ingredients in a food processor and pulse a few times, until well incorporated.

2. Form into 2 patties and place in the freezer for 10-15 minutes. This helps them hold together better.

3. Grill over high heat until cooked through, about 6 minutes total. Serve on a toasted bun with other stuff on it. I used some of the hummus from Labor Day part II, but don't do that, as it's kinda overwhelming. Avocado would be good...

Note: I hope you have enjoyed this peek into the mysteries of Labor Day. You might be wondering why I waited until Labor Day to post all of this shit about Labor Day. I don't have a good answer for that, but I recognize that you may be wondering it.

*Actually, it's totally my problem. F.
** Seriously, good luck with the ghost of anyone ever involved in a duel.

Lose 15 Lbs. Without Doing a Thing!

I feel like nobody will read this unless I lead with a picture.

Dear Oodblo readers, 

Elephant in the room: It's been awhile. I missed you terribly, you lovely bastards and lady bastards.

The culprit here was/is a colony of bacteria that have been having an orgy in my guts for a couple of weeks. It's bacterial Studio 54 down there; bacteria wearing sunglasses indoors and doing blow off of the asses of bacteria strippers doing blow off the asses of more bacteria strippers. Bacteria Mick Jagger is there, hanging out with (anybody famous in the late 70's). And the goddamn disco music...

Suffice it to say, thinking about food constantly hasn't been at the top of my list so much of late as, say, visualizing myself not throwing up all day and then acting that out in real life. Or visualizing that there's a reliable toilet nearby....

I know what you're thinking. Do you have to talk about gross stuff like that on a food blog? It's not very appetizing. I'm not making you read this blog, asshole. Although, if you were real and I knew where your house was, I'd come over to your house and I would, in fact, make you read this blog. Moot point, jerk.

The upside of all this: unintentional weight loss. And that's the real recipe here. Looking to lose that extra 15 pounds? Get your hands and then your mouth on some bacteria. Make sure you get it in your stomach.* (laugh track) I kid, I kid. 

Seriously though, it's amazing.  I just walk around naked all the time now. It's not all that different than before, except for the fact that my dog seems impressed now. My dog doesn't speak English**, but I read between the lines. When someone (or some mammal) watches your every move then occasionally licks their privates, you know you're doing something right. 

Well, that pretty much wraps it up... Oh wait. You want an actual recipe of food, eh? Fine. Just this once.*** 

This is another warmed-over SideDish recipe. Not that I'm dogging anything but the writing in the last SideDish recipe I rehashed here -- it was fantastic. This one is OK. It's just that there's some bad blood between me and this dish, because despite my stomach's protests, I had to choke it down several times on account of, how's that old saying go? Oh yeah, if you don't eat food, you'll fucking die. 

So... make this, don't make it. I absolutely do not give a shit. Never talk to me about it, please. It disgusts me.**** Hopefully, by the next time we have one of these little chats, it'll be the early 80's in my digestive tract and the pathogen FBI will have swooped in and shut down Studio 54 for good. Disco sucks motherfuckers. Enjoy.

Grilled Pork Chops with Peach Salsa
(serves three)

Ingredients:

Pork chops:
3 roughly 1" thick pork chops
1/3 cup olive oil
tbsp soy sauce
1 1/2 tsp cumin
tsp chipotle powder (or chili powder)

Peach Salsa:
2 peaches, diced
1 jalapeno, finely diced
1/2 a small red onion, finely diced
1/3 cup chopped cilantro
juice of 1 or 2 limes
splash of olive oil
salt to taste

Instructions:

1. Make the pork chop marinade. Mix the olive oil, soy sauce, cumin and chipotle powder together. Pour mixture over the chops and marinate in the fridge for several hours to overnight, flipping occasionally, if you can. You want the chops nicely coated.
2. In a bowl, mix all the ingredients for the peach salsa together, except 1/2 cup of the diced peaches, the lime juice and olive oil.
3. In a food processor or blender, puree the reserved peaches with the lime juice and olive oil until smooth, then mix with the other ingredients in the bowl. The salsa can be made the night before.
4. Preheat grill to medium-high and grill chops, flipping once, until the internal temperature has come up to 145, probably about 10-12 minutes total; grills vary.
5. Let the chops rest a few minutes (it's been a long day for them), then top with peach salsa and enjoy.

You can see my reflection in the fork. Nice photography, douche.

*really don't. Not because it's gross and horrible, which it is, but because you'd be copying me. Nobody likes a copy cat.

** immigrated from Finland.

***And forever.

**** You can talk to me about it if you want, but in an ironic twist, if you do, I'll pretend I don't speak English. Just like my dog does. Only, unlike with my dog, no one will be licking their balls in approval.

tikka tacos

Tex-mex and Indian food share a lot of flavors, if not necessarily a lot of similarities. Indian food  is more sophisticated, more varied. Dare I say...spicier? And given the relative newness of Tex-mex compared to Indian cuisine that makes sense. But think about it: you've got onions, cilantro, citrus, cumin, corriander seed, chilies, red sauces, garlic, rice etc running through both. Thats a lot of combinations familiar to two totally different palates. Even naan is like a big yeasty tortilla (the prawn to the tortilla's shrimp). And chili powder reminds me of a fischer-price "my first masala."

The idea here was to create a fusion of chicken tikka masala (drool) and a taco, but with a tex-mex twist in the tikka. Did it work? Weeeell, that depends on the goal. If the goal was to create a harmonious, subtle fusion of two cuisines (and dishes) that evokes both, then no. If the goal was to create a taco that tastes like tikka masala wrapped in a tortilla, then yes. Hell yes it worked. It wasn't, frankly, the pretentious taco I'd imagined, but yeah it kinda ruled...

notes: I got the tikka recipe outline here (I think). Basic tikka ratio (although like chili, there is no right and wrong) seems to be can of tomatoes, half a can of tomato paste, half an onion, a few cloves of garlic, 2 inches of fresh ginger & cream. Chicken stock too, if you want a thinner sauce. Here I subbed chili puree for tomato paste. Shoulda used a tbsp or two anyway. Next time. Also, the tandoori masala, I get from the dfm at this booth. Their spices are incredible, hand blended & from family recipes & I bet you could order them online.

chicken tikka tacos

don't get comfy

(good for 6 maybe 8 tacos)

for chicken:
two split chicken breasts or 2 lbs milanesa chicken if your grocery has it
1 cup greek yogurt
juice of 2 lemons
ground corriander seed
ground cumin
salt

for tikka:
2 cans of rotel (the stuff you put in queso)
1 new mexico or other dried chili, re-hydrated
half a yellow onion chopped

ouch, you cut me asshole!

3 cloves garlic chopped
2 inch piece ginger chopped
tbsp tandoori masala
tsp cumin
1/2tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp crushed oregano
pint of cream

flour tortillas
cilantro
hot sauce

take the chicken and sprinkle with salt, ground corriander and cumin (maybe a tbsp all combined. hey, i'm makin' up the rest of this shit. figure it out, i'm not your spice sherpa...) on both sides. place in a plastic bag.

mix the lemon juice and yogurt and add it to the bag o' chicken. toss to coat. let it marinade in the fridge for a couple of hours or at room temp for an hour or so.

puree the re-hydrated chili with a can of rotel until you get a smooth paste

sweat your onion, garlic  & ginger over med low heat until soft.

add spices and, bringing the heat up, saute a minute until fragrant.

add the can of rotel and the chili-rotel puree to the aromatics.

bring  juuuust barely to a boil, partially cap and simmer 20 minutes, maybe 30. don't let it loose too much liquid-- keep an eye out.

lower to burner as low as it'll go, just to keep the sauce warm. If it's too chunky, let half it cool then puree it.

i hope your grill (or broiler or whatever) is ready, because you need it now.

grill the chicken, trying to flip only once, about 10-12 minues. let rest a few minutes, then slice against the grain.

remove tikka sauce from heat. stir in heavy cream. don't do it all at once; stop when you like the color. you're looking for orangey like la madaleine's tomato soup.

serve on warm... dude, you know how to make a taco. if not, I CAN'T HELP YOU.


Sooo, the tikka didn't turn out right color wise. I used too much cream and, not thinking, less tomato than usual, which I adjusted in the recipe. A tbsp or so of tomato paste couldve helped too, but since I didn't use any, I left it out rather than completely lie to you. It really wasn't south of the border so much, unless you live in Nepal (north of India dick)*. But I think that shows some of the similarity between Tex-mex and Indian flavors-- you can jam something full of Tex-mex and still have it taste Indian. Take away the cream and the ginger and change the tandoori powder to chili powder and tell me you don't have chile con pollo. Actually that woulda been good, because the yogurt marinade on the chicken gave it a nice Indian flavor. Goddamnit! Why don't I think this shit out in advance?? Maybe throw some ginger in with the chicken marinade and do half tandoori and half chili powder in the tikka...And some cotija & lime. FUCK!! Why now brain, why? All in all, it wasn't the right color & it wasnt as tex-smexxxy as I had hoped. However I did strangle these tacos with my body, unhinge my jaw & jam them down my throat without chewing, much like a python. They were reptilian good. I still have taco shaped bulges in my mid secion**.

*although tikka masala as we tend to think of it is more of a traditional dish in england than in india. that'll teach me to make a geography joke. well, maybe just one more, and it's more of an observation than a joke: rand mcnally is a pussy.
**and a fresh one now, because i ate another taco while i typed this a day later.