red beans and rice

Sometimes I make something & I'm about to eat & I go "oh shit, I have to put this on the blog!" And then I cobble something together. It's like thinking you're going to watch youtube videos in a t-shirt and no pants all night & then getting invited to try out the world's first actual-- like you always imagined it-- rocket pack*. In one hour. And you need a tux.  

Not to worry, I always wear a tux when I cook. And while I can't prove that wearing a  tux will make you excel at creating this dish, I can't disprove it either. I never haven't donned a tux while making this dish. It's a comfort/sophistication thing. For the very same reason, I always wear swimming trunks under my clothes. Nothing's more uncomfortable than seeing a swimming pool & not being able to get in.

Red beans & rice is a creole classic, as well as a Caribbean favorite (where it's called rice & peas). This version, with the addition of the coconut milk, has more in common with Caribbean rice and peas & has been adapted over time from a recipe in "How to Make Everything" by the great Mark "Bobo" Bittman. No one actually calls him that.

Note: the coconut milk in this dish made me think of thai curries, which is what made me think to use curry paste. Meatwise,  Iitalian sausage, brats, spanish chorizo, bbq pork, carnitas, shrimp, rotisserie chicken, etc or certainly no meat at all, can be substituted here.

kinda curried red beans and rice

(good for about 36 hours worth)

don't take my pic, i haven't done my face!

for rice and beans:

can of red beans, drained

can of coconut milk

cup of rice**, preferably wild rice*** or a wild rice mix.

1tbsp red curry paste

juice of a lime

finely chopped cilantro for garnish

For meat:

use whatever you want (see notes above)

I used spiced ground turkey, crumbled and cooked in a pan, with chopped onion, garlic & ginger & some turmeric to give it some color. 

add the wild rice, coconut milk and curry paste to a pot or skillet and bring to a boil. if you aren't doing meat, first fry some onions, garlic and ginger in the pot then add the aforementioned stuff. 

reduce heat to a low simmer, and cap. Let it go 20 minutes****.

stir in drained red beans. if there is liquid left from cooking the rice, turn the heat up a little until it is absorbed.

stir in lime juice, & cilantro (hint: use a shitload).

serve & top with cooked meat. 

*like you wouldn't compare your blog to a rocket pack. especially a reliable one. with a good warranty.

**I used a 99c box of rice-a-roni wild rice mix. It had a "spice packet" that smelled like dehydrated feet. the rice was fine, but if you can get Rice Select or Mahatma brands, both are way better.

***wild rice isn't actually rice. which probably explains why it's so good (rice kinda sucks)
****you want the rice to absorb the liquid, rather than it evaporating, so keep the lid on

truck month carnitas

what's it gonna take to get you into a pile of carnitas today?

Bottom line: June is Truck Month in Texas, or so the TV tells me. Constantly. Truck Month is a traditional & festive time at one's local ford, chevy or dodge dealer. The dude from blazing saddles is there. It's a magical, magical, limited-time only season.

I love the truck holidays.

Were you good this year? Yeah? Then enjoy the best payload* in class in your stocking. Unwrap a crew cab. Decorate your shrub (it'a shrub for truck month) with very low APR. Have a new car smell flavored gin cocktail. And never forget the true meaning of truck month: hurrying to get yourself a good deal on a full size pickup before the savings on model year end close outs is history.

Obviously Truck Month is important, so I wanted to ring in the Season with savings! Er, with deliciousness. I give you the national dish of Truck Month. Carnitas.

i accept the responsibility, taco gods

I bitched a while back about taquerias serving up bad carnitas. Don't ruin truck month by making me talk about it again. This is how to not make them bad. It's a pretty simple pork shoulder confit. What's a confit, you pompous douche, you ask? In olden (pre-refrigeration) times it was a preservation method whereby meat (or whatever) was cooked in rendered fat, then allowed to cool in said fat. The fat congealed, got covered in cloth & the contents were preserved inside soooo much cooled, rendered fat, like Han Solo in carbonite. Nowadays obviously, a refrigerator stands in nicely for the old (whatever they used to store it in) of fat, so what you're left with is the cooking method. Essentially: simmering something immersed in hot fat. A slow deep fry.**

Before you start bitching about your arteries, it's not as bad as it sounds. There's no breading; no fat is being absorbed by the meat. Pork shoulder is naturally fatty, but a confit of pork is no fattier than braised pork. It also keeps the meat more moist, because... fuck it, somebody else explain...

meet lois, your new bff

If you're gonna start confiting, you're gonna want to start keeping a bucket of lard in your fridge. Reusing lard adds flavor. I know what you're thinking: a bucket of lard in my fridge? C'mon guy, isn't that disgusting and weird? Relax. And don't call me guy. It's not what it sounds like. Its actually a tupperware filled with lard. Totally different. Stick it in the back of the fridge and don't think about it. Or try giving your lard a name, like Lois, to humanize it, so you stop judging it. And if Lois gets nasty and has to go away, invest in Lois 2. You have to get over the lard thing if you want to make this.

Trust me: do it.

Make these carnitas and then maybe head out to your neighborhood Toyota dealer. Bring 'em some. Let them know you appreciate what they do. While you're there, if you wanna take a look at some serious savings on Tacomas & Tundras... hey, all the better. Happy Truck Month, everyone.

truck month carnitas

pork is for lovers

(servings vary. it goes quickly)

gotsa have:

2 lb pork shoulder, cut into 2 squarish chunks
salt, pepper, cumin
zest or peel of a navel orange (that's the size you're going for but any type of orange is ok)
lard. 4lb bucket of lard (you only need half, don't be a pussy). you'll know when you see it, because it's in a damn bucket
a sweet catch phrase-- I suggest "sweet sassy molassey"

bring the lard up to about medium heat. i like to spike mine with some bacon grease too***

dust your pork chunks with salt, pepper & cumin (or whatever you like if you wanna not copy me). press it in there to help get a crust.

drop the pork chunks and orange peel into the lard and reduce the heat to low to med-low. you want a lazy lazy simmer.

(catch phrase)

burn in heaven carnitas

let it go about 2 hours (maybe 2.5), turning every hour if the pork pieces are not quite covered (cover them as much as possible). they should have some give, but not be jiggly yet. when you get that par-jiggle, crank the heat to med-hi, until you get a nice brown crust (20 minutes or so). the pork should now have a little wiggle to it (catch phrase).

take the pork out & let it drain and rest (it's had a long day) for a bit, at least 15 minutes. should be up near 180-190 internally.

time's up? (catch phrase)**** whack it to pieces with a big knife.

If you've done it right, you'll have this rich, juicy pulled pork/cripsy bits/fleshy bites hybrid. With a little orange hint. Good luck not grabbing a handful off the top and shoving it into your mouth. Suffice it to say, it's a gift from the taco gods.

Random pic of my brother's mustache:

another taco pic. add it to the pile.

And scene.

*payload? what the fuck is payload supposed to be and how are we supposed to not think it sounds porno-ey?
**you can still, like the traditional method, cool the meat inside the cooking fat. some people say this method is best, that it adds flavor. it doesn't, but suit yourself. its not gonna hurt.
***yup, vat o' lard in the fridge, bacon grease in the freezer, virginia ham next to my fax machine: the pig essentials
****you overdid it with the catch phrase. you're just... you're over selling it.

i wish every month was truck month. oh snap. it is.

tiny stacked enchilada

tiny stacked enchilada: food :: cat videos: real life

I'm too old for a midnight snack. People in their thirties can't just get wasted, pound some whataburger at 3am, wake up on a half eaten taquito for a pillow & it's wrapper for a blankey & then expect to function. We'd wake up with the taste of shame for an enemy & heartburn for a best friend. Besides, we've got having a job & not being a red nosed drunk to think about.

I do however enjoy making things on a whim super late at night, right before bed (ok fine. at 10:30). And then not eating them until lunch the next day on account of the heartburn. This is one of those. It's also enchiladas, which as I discussed before, I don't really like. Why are you making something you don't like, you ask? Get your own blog dingleberry. I had boredom, I had an idea…

This is a miniature, single serving take on New Mexico style (stacked, although sans fried egg on top) enchiladas. They're shaped like Texas, because lets face it, the shape of Texas is waaaaay cooler than the shape of new New Mexico* & because I have a Texas shaped cookie cutter from Sur la Table (fuck off).

You could also make this as a regular casserole. It's like enchilada lasagna. Just don't cut the tortillas to resemble New Mexico or everybody will think you're an asshole.

tiny stacked enchilada
(or make it regular size and invent a shrinking gun)

here goes:
2 corn tortillas
shredded cheddar jack cheese
canned enchilada sauce (look for chilies as the first ingredient)
leftover meat, i used carnitas (sub additoonal cheese if desired)

Preheat oven to 400

empty enchilada sauce into a bowl.

cut your tortillas with cookie cutter to get 6 little texas tortillas.

spread a spoonful of enchilada sauce onto the bottom of your cooking vessel.

you're going to dip each piece of tortilla into the sauce, covering it in sauce, and then layer: saucy tortilla, cheese, saucy tortilla, meat, saucy tortilla, cheese. repeat. top with extra cheese and sauce as desired.

bake about 10-15 minutes. everything here is already cooked, so you're just getting it warm & melting the cheese.

I garnished with cotija, cilantro, a grilled chili slice & additional enchilada sauce. Plus some of this addictive-ass green hot sauce that I horde when I go to the greatest taqueria on the planet. Then I froze the unused enchilada sauce.

You're showing me something, stacked enchilada. I still think your cousin, regular enchilada, is a grody tramp though. You must be adopted.

martha stewart taught me this when we were in prison together

*I've got mad love for you New Mexico, but your shape looks like fat square Alabama or upside down Utah. In fact, let's all take a second to laugh at the shape of New Mexico. There, I feel better.

loaded sweet potato

Sweet potatoes, I'm learning, are a bit of an acquired taste. Maybe it's that a lot of people's exposure to sweet potatoes started with that marshmallow topped casserole from the thanksgivings of our youth. And that was it, until scientists discovered sweet potato fries 7 or 8 years ago and then big sweet potato started pushing them on restaurants.*

If you went to someone's house and they served that godawful awful slop any day but thanksgiving, you would assume that aliens had come down and inhabited the bodies of your friends. That would be the one element that tipped you off. Something's not right here. No human would do that. Then you'd have to act like you didn't know that they were aliens & eventually you'd blow one of them up. I don't envy you.

you won't always be this awkward and unattractive, sweet potato

But sweet potatoes, turns out, are pretty versatile. Blah blah blah. If you hate sweet potatoes, you will hate this recipe. I'm not gonna proselytize you on sweet potatoes. Run along. Play some Sega Genesis. If you don't hate sweet potatoes...yeah. You can use 'em a lot like potatoes. As fries, scalloped, in soups, (although they won't do this) etc*. And baked, which is what this is.

Whoever came up with the loaded baked potato, I'd like to shake his or her hand. And then travel back in time and steal the idea from them. Its just... I can't think of a way to improve on it. They got it right. And you can similarly load up a sweet potato. Obviously they're different than potatoes, so you want to consider that in how you treat them. A baked sweet potato's texture leaves something to be desired. Unlike a baked russet potato, which is...you know what it's like, a baked sweet potato is mushy and stringy, collapsing a little when relieved of some of it's moisture. It needs help. It needs a culinary tit-job. Mixing greek yogurt together with the sweet potato flesh gives it some body, a more pleasing texture and a tartness that compliments the sweet potato's, wait for it, sweetness. It's really a loaded twice baked sweet potato, but no one's gonna read a recipe with a title longer than a tweet.

Note: This is a full meal. Choose sweet potatoes that are roughly the same volume as a potato you'd eat all of. also, you could certainly go the route of the traditional loaded baked potato-- chives, bacon, butter, sour cream, cheese--but barbecued pork, leftover chili (which is what i did) or just cheese and bacon** work better for this.

loaded sweet potato
(makes 1 loaded sweet potato or just a baked sweet potato if you unload it)


1 sweet potato
greek yogurt, 2-3 tbsp
something to top it with

preheat oven to 425.

poke a few holes in the sweet potato with a fork so it doesn't explode in the oven. or, if you want it to explode, don't.

bake for an hour. check it. it should be a bit mushy and the flesh should be separating from the skin at the top. if its not ready, put it back in & check it every 10  minutes until it's done.

split the sweet potato open & pull the skin back slightly. dollop on the yogurt & carefully mix flesh and yogurt together, fluffing it a bit.

top with chili, bbq, cheese, a whole rotisserie chicken...whatever you have leftover. you can do everything ahead up to this point.

pop back into hot oven (350 is always safe for reheating) and reheat until completely warmed through & cheese, if you used it, is melted on top.

i bet i looked like an ass trying to get this shot

*not that i'm complaining, i love sweet potato fries especially from these two (a & b) greenville ave joints.
*you can make chips with either tuber using the microwave. i find this method is kinda difficult and time consuming-- you have to break it into so many batches-- but when they don't burn (oh and they go from done to burnt in a second), they turn out pretty good.
**much like a regular twice baked potato. use a mild cheese with sweet potatoes.

peanut butter granola

Granola is chaos. Unlike freeze tag, there are no real rules. You can put whatever you want in granola for the most part (hint: nuts, seeds, anything a squirrel will eat should do. Also dried fruit, chocolate chips & oh, I don't know, any other shit you've seen in granola are good places to start.) The only real constants are: a base of oats & some kind of sugar (honey, maple syrup, etc) to help brown the oats & form clusters. Plus, it's a good way to eat oats that isn't eating oatmeal, which is basically being waterboarded and calling it breakfast (tip: be wary of any info you get from oatmealing a perp; they're likely to say anything to make it stop). Plus it gives me an opportunity, when some inquisitive person asks what I'm eating to reply, “mind your own business, asshole.”

This “recipe” takes no thought. A drunken transient could do it.* Next time you see a dude with a “will work for food” sign, tell him you'll give him some granola, but only if he makes it. The result will undoubtedly be a grubbier version of this. And all of the aluminum cans from your recycling disappearing.

peanut butter granola

(about a jar full. I really don't know or care how many servings that is.)

1 cup oats

tsp cinnamon

1/4 cup maple syrup

1/4 cup dried cranberries or other dried fruit

1/4 cup raw pumpkin seeds**

1/4 chopped pistachios or other chopped nuts

2-ish tsp olive oil

tbsp warmed peanut butter

preheat oven to 350.

dump the oats & pumpkin seeds into a big  bowl, which we'll call terry, with the cinnamon.

In another bowl mix together the oil, warmed (so you have an easier time mixing it) PB & maple syrup. dump it into terry.

mix it all up with a wooden spoon. you want to make sure that the sugar and oil is coating everything as evenly as it can.

spread it in a thin layer on a baking sheet or a casserole dish.

bake for 20-25 minutes. Take it out of the oven.*** The oats should look like they're starting to brown. add the chopped nuts and give it all a shake. You have to wait to add the nuts, or they'll burn.

bake about 10 more minutes.

take it out of the oven. add in the dried fruit and stir together.

let it cool to room temperature & store in a jar or airtight container. eat like cereal or in a parfait. and don't let anybody give you shit for eating a parfait.

*here i'm referring to your garden variety street corner wino, not hoboes. all real hoboes can cook. and grift. and tell tall tales. everybody knows that. if you know a colorful hobo, there's no need for you to read this blog. 

**not the roasted white super salty ones next to the sunflower seeds on the super salty seeds wall at 7-11. although those do rule.

***you could also leave it in the oven for 35-40 minutes, flipping ever so gently after 25-30 if you want a (more or less) single mass of granola that you break into bigger chunks. or use a ramekin or cookie cutter to make granola circles or shapes (if you have little ones or a spouse/bf/gf who's not very smart). If you wanna go that route you'll have to add the nuts and fruit with everything else. the fruit should be ok, just rehydrate it for 30 minutes in really hot water. i'm not sure what nuts to use (almonds?) on account of the burning. sorry. today my jurisdiction ends here. I like it to have a cereal-like consistency and then eat it like cereal. bonus: this cereal won't tear up the roof of your mouth like this one will.

tikka tacos

Tex-mex and Indian food share a lot of flavors, if not necessarily a lot of similarities. Indian food  is more sophisticated, more varied. Dare I say...spicier? And given the relative newness of Tex-mex compared to Indian cuisine that makes sense. But think about it: you've got onions, cilantro, citrus, cumin, corriander seed, chilies, red sauces, garlic, rice etc running through both. Thats a lot of combinations familiar to two totally different palates. Even naan is like a big yeasty tortilla (the prawn to the tortilla's shrimp). And chili powder reminds me of a fischer-price "my first masala."

The idea here was to create a fusion of chicken tikka masala (drool) and a taco, but with a tex-mex twist in the tikka. Did it work? Weeeell, that depends on the goal. If the goal was to create a harmonious, subtle fusion of two cuisines (and dishes) that evokes both, then no. If the goal was to create a taco that tastes like tikka masala wrapped in a tortilla, then yes. Hell yes it worked. It wasn't, frankly, the pretentious taco I'd imagined, but yeah it kinda ruled...

notes: I got the tikka recipe outline here (I think). Basic tikka ratio (although like chili, there is no right and wrong) seems to be can of tomatoes, half a can of tomato paste, half an onion, a few cloves of garlic, 2 inches of fresh ginger & cream. Chicken stock too, if you want a thinner sauce. Here I subbed chili puree for tomato paste. Shoulda used a tbsp or two anyway. Next time. Also, the tandoori masala, I get from the dfm at this booth. Their spices are incredible, hand blended & from family recipes & I bet you could order them online.

chicken tikka tacos

don't get comfy

(good for 6 maybe 8 tacos)

for chicken:
two split chicken breasts or 2 lbs milanesa chicken if your grocery has it
1 cup greek yogurt
juice of 2 lemons
ground corriander seed
ground cumin
salt

for tikka:
2 cans of rotel (the stuff you put in queso)
1 new mexico or other dried chili, re-hydrated
half a yellow onion chopped

ouch, you cut me asshole!

3 cloves garlic chopped
2 inch piece ginger chopped
tbsp tandoori masala
tsp cumin
1/2tsp cinnamon
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/4 tsp crushed oregano
pint of cream

flour tortillas
cilantro
hot sauce

take the chicken and sprinkle with salt, ground corriander and cumin (maybe a tbsp all combined. hey, i'm makin' up the rest of this shit. figure it out, i'm not your spice sherpa...) on both sides. place in a plastic bag.

mix the lemon juice and yogurt and add it to the bag o' chicken. toss to coat. let it marinade in the fridge for a couple of hours or at room temp for an hour or so.

puree the re-hydrated chili with a can of rotel until you get a smooth paste

sweat your onion, garlic  & ginger over med low heat until soft.

add spices and, bringing the heat up, saute a minute until fragrant.

add the can of rotel and the chili-rotel puree to the aromatics.

bring  juuuust barely to a boil, partially cap and simmer 20 minutes, maybe 30. don't let it loose too much liquid-- keep an eye out.

lower to burner as low as it'll go, just to keep the sauce warm. If it's too chunky, let half it cool then puree it.

i hope your grill (or broiler or whatever) is ready, because you need it now.

grill the chicken, trying to flip only once, about 10-12 minues. let rest a few minutes, then slice against the grain.

remove tikka sauce from heat. stir in heavy cream. don't do it all at once; stop when you like the color. you're looking for orangey like la madaleine's tomato soup.

serve on warm... dude, you know how to make a taco. if not, I CAN'T HELP YOU.


Sooo, the tikka didn't turn out right color wise. I used too much cream and, not thinking, less tomato than usual, which I adjusted in the recipe. A tbsp or so of tomato paste couldve helped too, but since I didn't use any, I left it out rather than completely lie to you. It really wasn't south of the border so much, unless you live in Nepal (north of India dick)*. But I think that shows some of the similarity between Tex-mex and Indian flavors-- you can jam something full of Tex-mex and still have it taste Indian. Take away the cream and the ginger and change the tandoori powder to chili powder and tell me you don't have chile con pollo. Actually that woulda been good, because the yogurt marinade on the chicken gave it a nice Indian flavor. Goddamnit! Why don't I think this shit out in advance?? Maybe throw some ginger in with the chicken marinade and do half tandoori and half chili powder in the tikka...And some cotija & lime. FUCK!! Why now brain, why? All in all, it wasn't the right color & it wasnt as tex-smexxxy as I had hoped. However I did strangle these tacos with my body, unhinge my jaw & jam them down my throat without chewing, much like a python. They were reptilian good. I still have taco shaped bulges in my mid secion**.

*although tikka masala as we tend to think of it is more of a traditional dish in england than in india. that'll teach me to make a geography joke. well, maybe just one more, and it's more of an observation than a joke: rand mcnally is a pussy.
**and a fresh one now, because i ate another taco while i typed this a day later.