Granola
is chaos. Unlike freeze tag, there are no real rules. You
can put whatever you want in granola for the most part (hint: nuts, seeds, anything a squirrel will eat should do. Also dried fruit, chocolate chips & oh, I don't know, any other shit you've seen in granola
are good places to start.) The only real constants are: a base of
oats & some kind of sugar (honey, maple syrup, etc) to help brown
the oats & form clusters. Plus, it's a good way to eat oats that
isn't eating oatmeal, which is basically being waterboarded and
calling it breakfast (tip: be wary of any info you get from oatmealing a
perp; they're likely to say anything to make it stop). Plus it gives me an opportunity, when some inquisitive person asks what I'm
eating to reply, “mind your own business, asshole.”
This
“recipe” takes no thought. A drunken transient could do it.* Next
time you see a dude with a “will work for food” sign, tell him
you'll give him some granola, but only if he makes it. The result
will undoubtedly be a grubbier version of this. And all of the
aluminum cans from your recycling disappearing.
peanut butter granola
(about a
jar full. I really don't know or care how many servings that is.)
1
cup oats
tsp
cinnamon
1/4
cup maple syrup
1/4
cup dried cranberries or other dried fruit
1/4
cup raw pumpkin seeds**
1/4
chopped pistachios or other chopped nuts
2-ish
tsp olive oil
tbsp
warmed peanut butter
preheat
oven to 350.
dump
the oats & pumpkin seeds into a big bowl, which we'll call terry, with the cinnamon.
In another bowl mix
together the oil, warmed (so you have an easier time mixing it) PB &
maple syrup. dump it into terry.
mix
it all up with a wooden spoon. you want to make sure that the sugar
and oil is coating everything as evenly as it can.
spread
it in a thin layer on a baking sheet or a casserole dish.
bake
for 20-25 minutes. Take it out of the oven.*** The oats should look
like they're starting to brown. add the chopped nuts and give it all a
shake. You have to wait to add the nuts, or they'll burn.
bake
about 10 more minutes.
take
it out of the oven. add in the dried fruit and stir together.
let
it cool to room temperature & store in a jar or airtight
container. eat like cereal or in a parfait. and don't let anybody
give you shit for eating a parfait.
*here i'm referring to your garden variety street corner wino, not
hoboes. all real hoboes can cook. and grift. and
tell tall tales. everybody knows that. if you know a colorful hobo,
there's no need for you to read this blog.
**not
the roasted white super salty ones next to the sunflower seeds on the
super salty seeds wall at 7-11. although those do rule.
***you could also leave it in the oven for 35-40 minutes, flipping ever so gently after 25-30 if you want a (more or less) single mass of granola that you break into bigger chunks. or use a ramekin or cookie cutter to make granola circles or shapes (if you have little ones or a spouse/bf/gf who's not very smart). If you wanna go that route you'll have to add the nuts and fruit with everything else. the fruit should be ok, just rehydrate it for 30 minutes in really hot water. i'm not sure what nuts to use (almonds?) on account of the burning. sorry. today my jurisdiction ends here. I like it to have a cereal-like consistency and then eat it like cereal. bonus: this cereal won't tear up the roof of your mouth like this one will.
