fried chicken

Lotta schools of thought on fried chicken. Before we get into that, I know what you’re thinking: he's white, of course he loves fried chicken. Well, you're correct, racist weirdo. I do love fried chicken.

You can do fried chicken a few ways. You can brine it to optimize moisture (which i didn’t do, but recommend), you can soak it in buttermilk, which.... i don't know what the fuck that does, but I’ve had it and, you guessed it, it was delicious. You can deep fry, you can pan fry. If you "oven fry", you should get punched in the balls/ovaries and go back to jerkyjerktown. We don’t tolerate that kind of crap in Texas. But we do tolerate Korean fried chicken, chicken fried chicken & chicken strips. If they made an edible glove of fried chicken parts, so that you could drive or walk and eat chicken  off your hand without really having to hold onto it, I’d buy it. Especially if it came with a mashed potato bathing suit.

note- i used half a chicken cut up, which is 4 pieces. If you don’t know how to cut up a chicken, you are a failure. buy already cut up parts and hang your head in shame.

fried chicken

(makes four pieces. the ball is in your court after that.)

1/2 chicken or 4 pieces

1/4 cup each flour and cornstarch

paprika

cumin 

salt

peanut oil (or oil of choice- shortening tastes the best probably)

dump the flour/cornstarch mixture into a freezer bag. season with some cumin, paprika & salt. depends how you like it. start with 1/4 tsp each and experiment.

drop the chicken pieces in the bag. seal it. toss to coat all the pieces evenly. 

let the pieces come to room temperature on  a wire rack or paper towels.

heat oil in cast iron skillet to med-med high.

preheat oven to 400.

when the oil is hot (pretty hot but not smoking) drop the pieces in.* the point of this step is to brown and start cooking the chicken through, so don’t worry about appearance just yet.

fry on each side 10 minutes, then transfer to oven for 10 more minutes.

raise the heat of the oil to med high (a lot of heat coming off the pan, just about smoking). fry each piece a minute per side to crisp up the skin.

we cannot rebuild him, we do not have the technology. we can eat him however...

drain on paper towels and eat. enjoy the hell out of it. eat the leftovers. then get on a goddamn treadmill.

*don’t be an asshole & fry chicken with your shirt off like i did. the oil tends to splatter. yeah. true story.

if we were alone on a deserted island (ala cartoons) & didn't have any food, you would start to look like this to me